"So don't waste your mind on nursery rhymes
Or fairy tales of blood and wine
It's turtles all the way down the line
So to each their own til' we go home
To other realms our souls must roam
To and through the myth that we all call space and time"
--Sturgill Simpson, 'Turtles All The Way Down'
Laying on a Jeff Epstein didn’t kill himself beach blanket on a white sanded beach in Mexico City is Hoyt Williams. Hoyt is wearing nothing but old glory swimming trunks with a glorious bulbous bulge at the midsection impressing the ladies who glance down as they stroll bye. Sitting under an umbrella in a tiny custom-made sun chair lapping up some tuna juice is Hoyt’s mean eyed cat Meowru Suzuki.
Hoyt Williams: How does CWF make any money with all the shows they run outside of the United States? I mean, I feel like I wrestler more for foreign heathens than I do the fine people of the ONE nation under God. The travel costs alone must be enough to give me another healthy raise for all my talents and stop all this nonsense.
The cat nods in agreement.
Hoyt Williams: Is there a Mexican superhero? I mean there must be at least one. You know Meoru, comic books are insanely racist. Almost all the heroes are white dudes, written by white dudes, for white dudes. That’s why I love the diversity and openness wrestling provides.
Hoyt’s manager Karen hands Hoyt a chilled lemonade from a plastic cup shaped like a lemon.
Hoyt Williams: You couldn’t find any coconut water?
Karen: I had to speak with a manager just to get someone to speak English in order to order the lemonade. What kind of tourist destination is this? That is why this nation is broke. What did I miss?
Hoyt puts on his pair of green tinted aviator sunglasses as he sips the juice from a straw.
Hoyt Williams: I was just telling Meowru how racist comic books are, and how I’m never buying one again. Also, I was telling him how dumb Superman is.
Karen: You don’t like Superman???
Hoyt Williams: Hell no, he’s a poorly written character. I mean what fun is it to have a dude who can do anything? Dude can fly. Has laser eyes. Super speed. Super strength. Super hearing. Super reflexes. I mean how does this douche bag have any enemies. He must be dumb as a little green rock to ever be put into jeopardy. Even his hero suit is dumb, and uncreative. The writer sucked.
Karen: Some good points.
Hoyt Williams: Even Jesus had defeats, weakness, and was put to death. Sure, he rose up in the end, but come on he’s the hero of the tale. You know he turned water into wine, instead of whiskey or White Claws so the man clearly had flaws. But this Superman can do anything. Also, he’s lazy.
Karen: How so?
Hoyt Williams: HOW SO? Are we going to split hairs here? This guy has all these superpowers and yet he works for the FAKE NEWS. The most corrupt, least trusted, totally dishonest profession. Think of what he could do if he worked in a factory? Given his speed and strength he could up production and maybe lower the cost of a product and be a real American hero. A factory is dangerous place people loose fingers and arms. Have you ever heard of a journalist losing a limb?
Karen: Well maybe a head.
Hoyt Williams: Yea but that was in the middle east. I’m talking about in America. No journalist is getting anything worse than a paper cut. Poop on Superman. Dude’s a hack. Lazy unimaginative writing that props him up as something greater than whatever a reader could ever relate to, total trash.
A plop of tananna, the banana scented suntan lotion lands on the plump pale white legs of Karen. She starts rubbing it in as the cat watches the weird human activity closely.
Karen: I guess.
Hoyt Williams: One week to go, and I start the chase for the CWF world title. The Alpha block fears me. That big dummy Duce was tweeting about me just yesterday. The thought of Freddie Styles winning it all is such a joke. And Zolton? It’s more like a moron. It’s CWF’s version of the special Olympics over in the Alpha block. As a matter of fact, why don’t we send the A block a donation to help them out. I think they could use pizza, and juice boxes for their post-match celebrations.
Karen: I’ll add it to the ledger later.
Hoyt Williams: I’d go see an alt country band named the Later Day Ledgers. Look it’s all over now anyhow. Freddie Styles wants no part of his Kyuseishu. Why would he? A war with a BIBLICAL WARRIOR, or an Atoria. Dull, boring, overrated Atoria. Fred knows that match won’t sell. Fredrick knows that A Savior vs a Styles is the business the CWF needs. HELL THE WORLD NEEDS. But no, it’s going to take some magic to make that match happen. Ataxia is dust. He has no chance against Silas Atoria, unless I help. So many tough decisions to make.
Karen: You always seem to make the right ones.
Hoyt Williams: Well I am the son of God. I thought it was cute when Duce and Freddy shook on it. I will not extend the same courtesies to Atoria, or the other guy in the running. As a matter of fact, I think a beat down, post Atria match, seems in order. Something bloody, where I can hold his brutalized head into the camera and send a message to Freddie Styles and everyone else…the same message I sent on my first night in the CWF with a bloody fork. I am not to be stopped, and I will do whatever it takes to make that known, and keep my legacy growing. Fred needs to know even if I lose, I’m coming for him, if he’s the champion. These guys are making friends on their journey to a title. I’m MAKING and maintaining enemy’s because I’m the son of a VENGEFUL God. Religion still runs the world, and we’re a very serious and powerful organization. I’m not here for friends, I’m here to collect all the enemies.
Karen: Who are you talking to?
Hoyt Williams: The CWF roster.
Karen: Well I’m not the roster, so stop yelling at me.
Hoyt Williams: Sorry I got carried away.
The cat looks relaxed.
Hoyt Williams: So what’s up with the ole switch-a-roo and Bubba the Love Sponge?
Karen: Bubba Love couldn’t make the booking.
Hoyt Williams: This WHOLE tournament I have been telling guys they are better off not showing and giving me the win. This Bubba Love is a smart man. He’s get’s it. Why rattle the cage of the next champion when you don’t have to? Why upset the second coming when you need not to. I respect that. It’s good to see the CWF has some talented and intelligent individuals. I told that Alpha block they were full of losers, and this proves just that! Bubba the Love Sponge is a genius and understands how to be a PROFESSIONAL wrestler. God bless him and he get’s my vote in the next hall of fame ballet.
Karen: You should get a BYE!!!!
Hoyt Williams: Oh I know. I should get a bye, and an EXTRA POINT! But I get it. The network needs a STAR to steal the show. A savior if you will. I mean Silas vs Axtoria isn’t a ratings winner. CWF needs me in a match with WHO?
Karen: Leo Hermanne.
Hoyt Williams: Yea one step better than dead, the great Leo Who-mannn? Trust me, I can make this match look good, even with the corpse of Leo Who-mannnn out there. I get it. Totally down to save the show which is more reason I should get an extra point. Call my lawyer.
Karen: On it.
Hoyt Williams: So who is this who-mannnn.
Karen: Hermanne. Leo Hermanne.
Hoyt Williams: Yea, who the hell is he.
Karen: You’ve never heard of him?
Hoyt Williams: Nope.
Karen He’s a LEGEND! A Superman?
Hoyt Williams: Oh no, not a super man.
Karen: He won 2 world cups!!
Hoyt Williams: That’s that Euro/Spanish sport thing isn’t it?
Hoyt Williams: Who’s yelling now?
Karen: He joined WCW in 1999.
Hoyt Williams: WC what?
Karen: A wrestling company. He also, get this, a SEVEN-time IWGP champion!
Hoyt Williams: You don’t say. I won that belt once or twice but NOT SEVEN but my wins were legendary. The most watched! Highest ratings in the history of Japan and wrestling. Was it 27 stars?
Karen: 28. Leo has had feuds with Kenny Omega.
Hoyt Williams: I didn’t know we had a Kenny in our block.
Karen: Leo also won the intercontinental title in the WWE 10 times!!!
Hoyt Williams: He is a super man. What is he, 50?
Karen: Unknown, but he already won 2 world cups when he joined the wrestling world in 1999. So at least mid 40’s.
Hoyt Williams: Total dust. Oh well another 2 points for your savior! This is going to be an interesting week of CWF television and twitter. Stay tuned.
Karen: You’re doing that weird talking to CWF thing again.
The camera fades on the waves.
“And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription?”