“Ladies and gentlemen, attention please
Come in close so everyone can see
I got a tale to tell
A listen don't cost a dime
And if you believe that we're gonna get along just fine…”
--Steve Earl, ‘Snake Oil’
We open the shot up on a television stage set, somewhere in Boise, Idaho at an unnamed local studio. A coffin sits in front of a backdrop of a cemetery full of tombstones. It’s an eerie yet hooky scene, the kind you find only on late night television during an old horror movie. Fog floats like America’s economy, with upward mobility, surrounding the steal body box in the center of the room. Creepy organ music plays from the studios band director, who is sitting off to the side dressed like a cross of Freddy Krueger and Elton John, or more so Freddy Krueger dressing up like Elton John for Halloween.
Suddenly the coffin lid pops up and our savior; the hero of heroes, the king of kings, the Pontiff of Pro-wrestling, the pope of the piledriver, the second coming of Christ, the first brother, God’s favorite son, and your Kyuseishu…..Hoyt Williams sits straight up. He has vampire teeth and his hair is slicked straight back.
Hoyt Williams: Goooood evening and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Boise Mortuary Movie Matinee. Tonight, we have a very spooooooky moooooooovie as we watch child aged home movies of PJ Blake also known as her current promos. But before we get to that we have some very deadly dealings to dip our dentures in. Hello, I am your host Count Kyuseishu.
Sir Elton Krueger pounds out some creepy organ music on cue after the savior speaks his own name. Meowru Suzuki the emotional support cat of Hoyt Williams scurries across the stage dressed up in a spider costume.
Hoyt Williams: This Tuesday Halloween comes early when the legend that is Hoyt Williams takes on the disease that is Ataxia. The people of Idaho are insanely lucky to get the best main event in the entire tournament. Hells gate will open, and your hometown hero Ataxia will finally pay for the disrespect and disgusting actions he has committed. He’s desecrated dead relatives of CWF stars. I would never do such a horrible thing. What a scum bag.
A guy in a skeleton suit with a Madman Szalinski mask rolls onto the stage sitting in an office chair. He spins around in the chair a few times before parking next to Hoyt in the coffin.
Skeleton of Madman Szalinski: Wait, why are you calling Ataxia a hometown hero? Is he from Idaho?
Hoyt Williams: He wears a burlap sack over his head and what comes in burlap sacks?
Skeleton of Madman: Potatoes?
Hoyt Williams: Right, I’ve figured it out Ataxia is Mr. Potato head and potatoes come from Idaho.
The organ plays a cheesy villain like song.
Skeleton of Madman: Aren’t you a graduate of Second City?
Hoyt Williams: I am. Why?
Skeleton of Madman: I mean it’s a Mr. Potato head joke. I expect better.
Hoyt Williams: Careful or I’ll throw you back into that Crypt Ataxia dug you out of.
The savior holds up a Mr. Potato head with angry eyes and a frown mouth and holds it out to the camera. The camera zooms in so only Mr. Potato Head can be scene, a moment later a mini Burlap sack in the stylings of Ataxia covers its head. Hoyt starts talking in poor impersonation of Ataxia’s voice as the camera remains tight on the Potato head wearing a sack mask so it’s all we can see. The cat watches on curiously.
Mr. Potato Ataxia: Hi I’m Ataxia…..ewwww….look at me I’m soooo scary!! I’m going to do and say obscure things to get my jolly’s off. Cunt Bitch jolly ole me, fucking a rabbit today at three. Boogers balls taints and toes, sucking off a gypsy named Rose. Attention attention is what this dildo needs, I need all cock holes pointed at me. A dick to a skull is absolute poetry.
The camera pulls back soon to show Hoyt giving a discouraging glance to the potato man in his hand.
Hoyt Williams: Please this is a family show!
Mr. Potato Ataxia: Family you say? Do you have any younger sisters or brothers? Hmmmmmm?
The cat is bored and starts licking his own asshole as only cats can do in social settings.
Hoyt Williams: Stop it Ataxia you’re going to far. But really this is an intervention of sorts.
Skeleton of Madman: He fucked my face against my will!!! I want justice!
Hoyt Williams: As the social justice samurai I must say necrophilia rape of a coworker’s dead husband goes against all ethical and morel codes. It’s 2019 man. You can’t do that kind of stuff.
Mr, Potato Ataxia: Fuck you, I’ll do what I want! Juvenile humor never gets old. See what I did there?
Hoyt Williams: Clever, but it’s not cool man. We need to accept and love all people; except people who don’t agree with what the masses think or go against my narrow agenda.
The Savior of wrestling smiles and winks.
Mr. Potato Ataxia: Ever hear that song about a picture of Jesus on the floor of a men’s room and the guy on the shitter realizing there is no toilet paper then having to face the moral dilemma of wiping his ass with the image of Jesus or destroying his pants?
Hoyt Williams: Men’s Room, LA. I do know it. Vile.
Mr. Potato Ataxia: That’s what I was thinking of shocking the world this week to get under your skin, and be controversial in my promo. Me cleaning my ass with your picture and Jesus’s. Plus a few offensive jokes about pedophilia in the church.
Hoyt Williams: First off my religion isn’t a member of the catholic church so that would be fake news. This is what I’m talking about Ataxia! This is the kind of thing that will not stand in the lords year of ’19.
Skeleton of Madman: He raped my face! Can we get back to that? I got lock jaw for Christ’s sake.
Mr. Potato Ataxia: You guys need to relax it’s not like a screwed a co-worker, mad a racist comment, or voted for Trump. No need to shame me. People love me!
Hoyt Williams: You need sensitivity training Ataxia. Start respecting people, as your savior I demand it!! In 2019 you must be nice to everybody. It’s the white claw law of the land. You don’t know who’s crazy, has a twitter account, or guns. You got to be cool man. Persecuting my religion is totally like Hitler. You can’t do that. You can’t rape the dead remains of co-workers, or they could legally shame you, and take your mask and job away. I’m trying to help you Ax. If you judge people they get to destroy you with no repercussions. Try fat shaming my business manager Karen and she will destroy you on social media and make you wish you were never born. I’m rubber your glue, what ever I say bounces off of me and sticks to you has been redefined and armed with social pitchforks. Bullies are bad, mmmkay. Bullies who our filthy, degenerate, and wear burlap masks are beyond bad and an embarrassment to society.
Hoyt’s business manager Karen who is yelling at the station manager takes a moment to look dead in the camera and nod Yes.
Mr. Potato Ataxia: Eat a cum covered cumquat out of a nun’s ass while sitting on a butt plug that looks like Mr. Rogers.
Hoyt smashes the potato to the ground where it explodes from the force of the throw. The mean eyed cat looks at the mess on the floor causing all the commotion for a moment before losing all interest and goes back to licking his ass.
Skelton of Madman: Finally!!
Hoyt Williams: I did what your wife couldn’t do and have gotten you justice and vengeance! So Madman, are you alive or dead? I’m confused.
Skelton of Madman: Stay tuned to Shadows to find out……
The skeleton rolls off stage as Hoyt just shakes his head so confused.
Hoyt Williams: The puppet show is over. Ataxia now I’m speaking to you man to maniac. Only two things really matter to me that can offend me if disrupted, and I know that’s your goal. First is faith, which is unchangeable and can’t be touched.
The godly grappler holds up a second finger.
Hoyt Williams: Second is main evening wrestling shows. I am a pro wrestler. I savior too, but a pro wrestler first. My family has main evented thousands of shows. It’s what we do, because we are that good at what we do. Something special comes out of me when I see my name at the top of the card, and in the lights. I bring it. I bring it more. Winning the Alpha and Omega means I would main event a lot of shows, and not just some sinful city like Boise. I’m better than Boise.
The savior rips off his dress shirt as he climbs out of the coffin revealing a t-shit that simply reads. “Kyuseishu: Better than Boise”.
Hoyt Williams: Available now at the CWF webstore.
Kyuseishu smiles a salesman grin.
Hoyt Williams: Ataxia. I hear you bitching about Rish causing you losses. You don’t scare me, and that action isn’t very terrifying. I know you’re a man in a mask trying to shock warriors into rage causing them to make mistakes. Hell you’ve even got me to fall for it once. But now I get that you are a man with issues probably steaming from a life of failures. The man behind the mask is a scared child doing whatever he can to get attention. A man who can’t accept his losses, so he must blame the booking. Booking ain’t going to beat you pal. I am. I’m going to hurt you in way’s even your sick twisted ducked up mind could never ever imagine. I don’t need to sodomize a skull, when I can save a soul. I’d rather build up a man than tear him down. Like my dullard apostle Silas Artoria whom since I blessed him with a win to help save his shattered confidence has been on a tear. Really all good things come through me, and all evil and vile things are extinguished by me. For this is my tournament, and I am the Alpha and the Omega. Ataxia your time has come and the evil you harness shall be released and wasted. That’s not a promise, it’s the word of the lord. Thanks be to Hoyt. Thanks be to your Kyuseishu!
“Do not bring a detestable thing into your house or you, like it, will be set apart for destruction. Regard it as vile and utterly detest it, for it is set apart for destruction.”