So you're a tough guy
Like it really rough guy
Just can't get enough guy
Chest always so puffed guy
I'm that bad type
Make your mama sad type
Make your girlfriend mad tight
Might seduce your dad type
I'm the bad guy, duh
“Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish plays as the camera opens on Hoyt Williams a.k.a. your Kyuseishu pounding away on a red speed back with precision and lighting fast circular swiftness. Holding a stopwatch is the seven-foot giant Japanese bodyguard, Daisuke Daiki. You can smell the sweat in the air as fluid drips from Hoyt’s forehead.
The camera cuts to the gyms bathroom, where all we see is a roll of toilet paper rapidity spinning and decreasing in size. As the camera slowly pans down and out, we found the culprit is the white furred mean eyed emotional support cat of Hoyt Williams. The cat Meowru Suzuki has his claws out as he looks like hes working a speed bag like his dad, quickly unraveling the Charmin ultra-plush ass tissue all over the floor. A janitor catches him and yells loudly shaking his fist at the cat in comical fashion. The mean eyed cat simply stops, licks his paw, licks his asshole, and walks away slowly waving his tail like nothing happened. Meowru gives a last second look back at the janitor with an evil look in his eyes.
Once again, the camera switches; and now takes us back to an angry slightly overweight middle-aged woman with the Sharon Osbourn, “Can I Speak with a Manager” hair style. She is Karen, the personal manager of Hoyt Williams. Karen is indeed yelling at the manager of the gym for a lack of Gatorade flavor options and poor towel service. Her finger wags as the man looks defeated with a submissive worn-down look upon his face.
The song ends and is replaced by the sound of the gym and the fists hitting the leather bag in a rapid rhythm.
The camera cuts back to Hoyt punching the speed bag.
Daisuke Daiki: TIME!
The large man clicks the stopwatch as Hoyt strikes the bag as hard as he can with one final blow.
Hoyt Williams: That felt amazing. I’m so ready for this tournament. You know just when you think you’re out…. they PULL YOU BACK IN.
The Japanese giant doesn’t respond to the Godfather quote which seems to miff Hoyt.
Hoyt Williams: You’ve never seen the Godfather?
Daisuke Daiki: No.
Hoyt Williams: You damn kids and your Harry Potters and Faster & Furious movies. Son, there is more to life than Vin Diesel. It’s a classic flick, you need to check out.
Daisuke Daiki: I will, is it in color?
The savior of all things under the warmth of the dying sun, burning seemingly to an infinity, turns red in the face over the young monster’s ignorance on classic movies. Before he can go on a long tirade Karen enters the conversation just as Meowru rubs against the savior’s legs.
Karen: We need to get moving we are going to be running late to our meeting.
The savior removes the white tape from his wrists as he starts walking toward the door locker room.
Hoyt Williams: Let’s add another training sesh for tomorrow. Your ALPHA and OMEGA will be ready for this round robin. I MUST be champion.
Karen: You’re booked, I’m not sure when you’ll have time.
The demigod’s manager pulls up Hoyt’s schedule on her phone. She hands it to Hoyt who looks it over inquisitively.
Hoyt Williams: Two hours blocked off for the children’s hospital?
Karen: You have a dying fan who doesn’t have much longer and I figured while you were at the hospital maybe you could meet some of the other sick kids.
Hoyt Williams: Cancel that and schedule gym time, send the kids a free case of Kyuseishu brand holy water. I’m sure if this sick kid is really a fan of mine, he or she will understand the importance of me winning the Alpha & Omega tournament. I mean me as champion will inspire more sick kids than the sacrifice of meeting just one. “The Needs of the Many Outweigh the Needs of the Few”. It’s only logical!
Karen: Did you watch the origina Star Trek: l Wrath of Khan, again?
Hoyt Williams: Never you mind MY viewing habits. All I’m saying is humanity is better off with me as CWF world champion than visiting some ill kid, whom, if is, as sick as you’re selling to me, isn’t going to remember my greatness anyway.
Karen walks away to call the hospital to cancel.
Hoyt Williams: Alright, ramblers let’s get ramblin’.
Life is nothing more than a passage of time ever fleeting like a box of cereal in a house full of kids. We now find Hoyt Williams wearing an all-white suit like Colonel Harlan David Sanders of the Kentucky fried chicken fame. Your Kyuseishu stands at the head of a board room table surrounded by men and women in business wear listening emphatically to the wisdom of the social justice Samurai.
Hoyt Williams: National domination is almost upon us. We have infiltrated not only the population but also the culture. We march forward with a vision of global dominance as our brand is unstoppable. We will continue to spread your saviors seed hidden deep in the recipe for our fine product until the world is saved from their own unknowing damnation that lingers upon them. What we are doing is the lords work. Give yourself a round of applause.
The table all starts clapping and cheering.
Hoyt Williams: Now let’s raise up our magical product and cheer all that we have done in 2019, and all that we will become.
The men and women at the table raise their product know to the masses as WHITE CLAW.
Hoyt Williams: We will whitewash this world with our claws out not backing down until Coke is but a forgotten memory and beer is something but backwash for the uncouth. My DNA cloned into every can is certainly the greatest thing since my brother turned water into wine. It’s also much better than his “blood”. Great taste, savior infused, 2 carbs, and a hundred calories, plus, for all the sensitive people, we are gluten free. Thank you all for your time.
Karen walks in through the door as everyone is clapping and gathering their stuff.
Hoyt Williams: Do we have the conference room set up for the digital press conference with World Wrestling Tonight?
Karen: We got everything except the ant eater to eat out of the ant farm.
Hoyt Williams: Wait, What? That was the whole symbolic high art concept piece I wanted to present.
Karen: Sorry the tubes to the ant house kept breaking and the Anteater wasn’t eating from the ant farm anyway. He was truly confused by the whole thing.
Hoyt Williams: Idiot Aardvark’s are useless to the art world. Fine, we will proceed with the interview.
Karen walks Hoyt down the hall of the office building of White Claw Hard Seltzer INC in Chicago, Illinois. They soon enter a spectacular room where cameras face what appears to be a news style desk with a CWF backdrop. A golden waterfall is on the right side of the camera view showcasing the white claw seltzer flowing into a Koi Pond. The fish our intoxicated. Standing on a perch above the waterfall is Meowru Suzuki who is very interested looking down at the fish. The savior takes a seat in the center of the shot, in a large leather seat. His bodyguard Daisuke Daiki stands behind him with crossed arms and a skull mask covering his face. To the left stands Karen who is holding the leashes to two magnificent Bangladesh white tigers panting to the cameras. Hoyt puts in an earpiece to hear the host.
Hoyt Williams: What are the details?
Karen: You are going live via satellite with the wrestling worlds top news program Wrestling World Tonight. You will be speaking with Clark Lorenson the long-time host. The TV screen in front of you shows Clark, and his studio. We are going live in 5-4-3-2-1…
Karen points at Hoyt.
Clark Lorenson: Alrighttttt we are back in business as the wrestling world is turning up the heat as CWF regroups with a round robin twenty-person tournament, that features two blocks of ten. The Alpha Block, and our guest here tonight who represents the Omega Block. You may know him from his days in PRIME as Hoyt Williams where he was Universal Champion at wrestling’s last great peak. A multiple time hall of famer. ORRR Perhaps in Japan where he was a multi-time holder of the IWGP heavyweight title or now where he goes by Kyuseishu in the CWF. Shall I call you Hoyt or Kyuseishu?
Hoyt Williams: Well my God given birth name is Hoyt Elwood Williams. Kyuseishu is actually my title, it’s Japanese for Messiah or Savior. Many fans call me Savior, The Pontiff of the piledriver, the King of Kings, the Alpha & Omega, the second coming, the all mighty wrestling God, Prince of pins, Christs younger better-looking brother. But given this is a casual conversation, and I don’t take you for a sinner, you may call me what my friends do, and that’s Hoyt. It’s a pleasure to speak with you Clark.
Clark Lorenson: Thank you Hoyt. Since returning from Japan you joined CWF. Why did you pick there over some of the other options?
Hoyt Williams: Money, TV time, and the pursuit of fixing and raising a federation to global dominance.
Clark Lorenson: Fixing a federation? How so?
Hoyt Williams: You know I haven’t been in a wrestling federation that didn’t do their best ratings ever while I was on their TV shows as champion. Like Jesus on Easter I raise attendance, ratings, and buy rates. All you have to do is, believe. I fell short in the rumble a few months back, I talked to my father God and found away to erase the champion and challenger so I can step in, and make no mistake about it I will come out of the Alpha and Omega tournament the new world champion. That’s the word of God.
Clark Lorenson: What happened with the CWF shake up? New management, and suddenly a roster revolt that has reshaped who CWF is.
Hoyt Williams: It hasn’t all been roses and White Claws since joining the CWF. I have been persecuted by management for my religious beliefs. The announcers on TV have been giving fake news about me. My interviews have been handled poorly. The most egregious example was when I wanted to bring a large cross to the ring with me and was told it wouldn’t “fit” through the door. They didn’t want me to express faith to the world on their TV. Very evident.
Clark Lorenson: Outrageous.
Hoyt Williams: Shortly after the cross incident most of the roster quit. They saw what was happening and they knew it was wrong. They were all very soft wrestlers whom didn’t have the backbone to speak to power like I do. My brother did the same, and he was executed. I’m not my brother. I’m bigger, stronger, mores skilled, and a better promo than Jesus ever was. He turned his cheek. Me I punch back. I’m a vengeful brother.
Clark Lorenson: So, a lot of the roster left in order to support you?
Hoyt Williams: Yes. The flock is strong. I know all their fans will see the light and start supporting me as I revolt against the plight of oppression that is the CWF. If you’ll let me explain, it was also a lot more. Many left not just to support me, but also because they had the moral dilemma of facing a deity. It’s no easy task. Take Silas Artoria for example.
Clark Lorensen: Silas is your first opponent in the Omega block, on CWF’s SUPERSHOW live in South Carolina, and airing for FREE, in the usual Evolution time slot, on August 20th, check local listing for channel information. Wow, what a show as both Alpha & Omega will be featured. It will be an extra two hours long!
Hoyt Williams: I also heard it was sponsored by White Claw, but I’m not sure.
The cat yawns.
Hoyt Williams: Anyways Silas Artoria, unlike the others, doesn’t understand the pressure he is facing. I beat him once already. Now he stands eye to eye, once again, staring at the face of his God. Once I beat him again, he will have to really dig deep and ask himself some really hard questions. Am I good enough? What becomes of a man who understands he will never be as good as a God? He needs to come to the realization that if my pursuit is to become the World’s champion, and he’s not as good as me, what’s in it for him? Impact title? Find a partner and become a tag team “specialist”, and be the most known unknows, like the rest of the tag division? You can be a ghost filling airtime, you can be 2nd best, but you can never be a Savior like me. Once he looks in the mirror and reflects on his limitations it won’t be long before be joins the flock of the forgotten, and quits in my honor. Maybe he can join me as my number 2 and be saved. We’ll see.
Clark Lorenson: That’s very deep.
Hoyt Williams: As deep as Cardi B’s as…..
Hoyt Williams: Oh, ummm…as deep as Cardi’ B’s…album sales. It sad really, because I’ll say Silas is a tough kid. He fights hard, and is a warrior, with fighting spirit. I really don’t want to break him, but this is a war, Clark. These men and women are my enemies. While fighting off management’s persecutions, my advancing age, the sensitivity of modern times, all with one hand; on the other I’m swatting off stars like Silas Artoria, Autumn Raven, Ataxia, Ariel Shadows, Bryan Ford, Starlight, Jay Mora, JC (Not Jesus Christ), Bubba the Love Sponge. Undercard Tag, and or, Six Man Tag, I’m not sure if I was supposed to plug that, I’m not sure if these are real name, and finally I’ll stop this bit before I totally lose your audience.
Clark Lorenson: Thank you. Yes, that is a tough line up, and I’ve heard you say that the Omega block is yours guaranteed.
Hoyt Williams: I know all and see all. Me winning is scripture. By the way this is another example of my persecution.
Clark Lorenson: Really?
Hoyt Williams: I mean isn’t it obvious? Like really? ALPHA AND OMEGA? A religious phrase? A symbol of my brother Jezzy’s life? The tournament was named to promote ME! Clearly the marketing is religious in nature and given I’m the only REAL savior in the CWF it must be because of me. Yet, how many shows in the tournament am I main eventing?
Clark Lorenson: I didn’t look?
Hoyt Williams: Of course not, I put the word professional, in professional wrestling. If you make your living fighting other men in front of a crowd; you want to know where you are on the card. It’s the first thing any wrestler with any dignity does. You can’t be champion if you’re not a star, and Astoria, I’m talking to you. I notice these things, because I know what being a champion is all about. I’ve been there, and I’m going there again. Yet the CWF has me ONLY ONCE IN THE MAIN EVENT, AND THAT’S THE FINAL AGAINST THE ALPHA WINNER. Is this not the definition of persecution? They are sending me a message that I’m not to become champion because my FAITH is to strong. While it’s in GOD’s hands now, and by God almighty I will win this thing and become champion.
Clark Lorenson: Never short on confidence is one Kyuseishu, Hoyt Williams. One last thing before we go. If you win the Omega block…
Hoyt Williams: Not if, WHEN…WHEN!
The cat licks it’s butthole.
Clark Lorenson: Ok…When you win the Omega block who do you want to face. Because last week things started heating up on Twitter @kyuseishu9 your twitter handle, and Alpha competitor Duce Jones found on Twitter @DuceTha. You know, unlike you, he headlines the first show, and headlines more shows than any other tournament member going forward. How do you really feel about Duce, and his chances?
The mean eyed emotional support cat licks his lips.
Hoyt Williams: You know as far as his chances go, I think he will win Alpha. I think he will raise to the occasion and prove he belongs in my tournament. I have faith in him, because I see a lot of me, in a lot of him. We fight the same style. Both found success in Japan. His body type although smaller, is a lot like mine. His anger and rage I fought through in my younger life. My father is in more wrestling hall of fames than anybody else. “The Malice Man” Duke Williams drank and fought and made babies all across the land. I was that baby, then a man, now a demigod. Allen Jones with the tragic nickname of “Duce” also comes from a long line of wrestlers. Forcing him to fight off the shadows of who his father was, without completely erasing the history because that is who he is. Standing in the shadows until you find the light isn’t easy. With God’s help all things are possible. Well “Duce” you may have found the light, if you can move from “that baby” to a man. I think he can Clark, and I think he will. Be a man “Duce” and let me teach you what it means to be a demigod.
The savior takes a sip of water.
Hoyt Williams: As far as how I feel about him…he’s got a big mouth. It needs shutting. He has lessons that must be learned. A doped-up fowl mouthed punk isn’t going to ever achieve much in this business, or this life. It’s true I once was a worse version of myself but aged smoothed me over. Allen Jones Jr. says everyone calls him a “Duce”, like a turd, and it’s not original. That’s one way to look at it, Allen. But it’s 2019 man, and Reboots are all the rage. What once was old is new again. The Alpha and the Omega, if you will. So, Duce instead of looking at the joke as overdone, maybe you should look at yourself and understand why everyone is calling you a “Duce” Junior.
Clark Lorenson: Wow. Sadly, that’s all the time we have. Let’s book Hoyt again soon. Until next time World Wrestling Live reminds you to…Keep selling and remember life’s just a work. I’m Clark Lorenson. Good night!
"The concession stands are now selling those cheap hotel room round soap disks that I have personally blessed for $100’s a bar….AND SINNERS….I suggest you buy one, and use it, because if you think your God wants you in his heaven smelling like a 3am New York City uber ride you got another thing coming."