“Soon it got dusk, a grapy dusk, a purple dusk over tangerine groves and long melon fields; the sun the color of pressed grapes, slashed with burgandy red, the fields the color of love and Spanish mysteries.”
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road
Hoyt Williams (Kyuseishu) is sipping a margarita and wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt with cactuses scattered all over it in the most obnoxious tones of green and yellow. He’s also wearing cargo pants, and flip flops with white sox. The Savior is sitting at the hotel room desk in a typical run of the mill hotel room: with a desk, TV/Dresser, and two queen beds. Karen whom is Hoyt’s personal manager, is using the phone on the nightstand between the two queen sized beds talking with great vigor to someone on the other end. She seems displeased, she always seems displeased. Meowru Suzuki, the white furred mean eyed emotional support cat is well entertained gazing out of the window wide eyed as he’s spotted some kinda lizard creature that’s blown his mind. It’s not often cats see new creatures and tend to be jaded to what the world has to offer. Mexico is a nice change of pace, even for a mean eyed cat.
The Kyuseishu of the CWF is sketching his vison for his entrance at Paradise 2019 where he will face Silas Artoria. He’s inked out two white tigers crudely drawn with him floating on a cloud behind them. He seems pleased with his artwork. Karen just hung up the phone and moves to the edge of the bed where she sits down.
Karen: I just spoke to the bell hop’s manager Julio, who has told me that he knows a guy who might be able to find us two white tigers.
Hoyt Williams: That’s fantastic!! I don’t know why anybody would want to leave this country!!! You can rent tigers, they have these sour frozen drinks, they still have the circus, and the girls are pretty!!
Karen: I think they are having some social issues, bad corruption, crooked police, and job shortages.
Hoyt Williams: That explains why they all move to Chicago they want to feel at home! I did notice when I was reading up on this country on Wikipedia that all their presidents have been Mexican. No diversity. It’s really kind of offensive. Also, the water tastes kind of funny.
Karen: I told you NOT to drink the water.
The Kyuseishu mimics Karen as he takes a big gulp of his Margarita.
Hoyt Williams: It’s ok I blessed it. It’s El Holy Water now.
Suddenly Hoyt gets up and rushes into the bathroom where he explodes with diarrhea. His stomach is all cramped up but after about twenty minutes of his stomach’s holding being deported, he emerges feeling good again. Meowru is now sitting on Hoyt’s sketch of his entrance, as the mystery lizard of green and orange has scuttled away.
Karen: Do you feel better?
Hoyt Williams: Like I’m reborn! It must have been that rice pudding Paleta.
Karen: You ate like 8 of those ice-cream bars and I told you NOT to drink the water.
Hoyt Williams: I blessed the water like the rains in Africa. It wasn’t the darn water.
The cat jumps up and runs under the bed as somebody knocks on the door. Karen goes to open it as Hoyt works on what’s left of his margarita. On the opposite side of the door stands a well-groomed Hispanic man dressed strangely in a fedora hat, long black duster, black pants, boots, and one of those weird white shirts with the fluffy garment by the chest.
Karen: Can I help you?
Strange Man: My name is Elias Eltoria the provisions aristocrat of Mexico. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
The man tips his hat with grace and elegance like a gentleman in an old-time movie being shown at midnight in black and white on some secondary tv station. Karen invites him into the room. His accent is thick, but his English is well learned. The cat is not impressed as he watches him with great caution from under the bed. Hoyt has a big smile on his face.
Hoyt Williams: I am the great KYUSEISHU, the divine SAINT of the AMERICAS. Have you heard my need to find two white tigers to rent in order to make a biblical entrance for my up coming match with this Canadian immigrant Artoria? Say, you two kinda dress the same and have similar names?
Strange Man: I have never heard of him but if it’s a tiger you seek, I’m the man who can acquire it. However, it will not be cheap. Do you have the funds needed to rent the tiger?
The samurai saint laughs at the question as his arrogance echoes from the walls.
Hoyt Williams: My friend, I am a very wealthy man. I am one of the GREATEST….no I AM THE GREATEST wrestler in the entire WORLD! Well actually, you see, to be perfectly truthful for legal reasons I have no money because I give it all to the church as a donation. It’s a tax thing, your country is to poor for me to fully explain it, but the church is untaxed, and I can use the funds laundered by the virgin Mary herself for what I see fit a man of God. So, this revered reverend of ring psychology needs tigers.
Kyuseishu’s manager Karen breaks into the conversation as Hoyt is sometimes not the best negotiator as he lacks an understanding of cost.
Karen: Ok hombre, let’s get down to brass tacks what are we spending for the rental of two white tigers?
The man smiles as he thinks about it for a moment. He seems impressed with Hoyt’s bravadoes of money, and he smells wealth in the air. That clean crisp well clean sent of a well-kept mansion.
Elias Eltoria: 50,000 American dollars each. So, 100,000.
Hoyt Williams: Sounds like a…..
Karen: That’s to much, how about 50K for the two?
Elias Eltoria: That’s impossible.
Karen gives her short long hair cut a whip as she cracks her knuckles.
Karen: Do you have a manager I can speak with?
Elias Eltoria: Fine 75k. Final offer.
Hoyt Williams: It’s a deal.
The Kyuseishu cuts off Karen before she could go full blown bitch.
Hoyt Williams: This country is so friendly, I don’t understand why more Americans don’t migrate here.
The classy Spaniard gets on his cell phone to let somebody know what is going on.
Elias Eltoria (on cell phone): Tengo un par de marcas ricas aquí. Hazle saber al capo.
Hoyt Williams: Tell you what, that Spanish just sounds like poetry! You know they stole it from my dad when he created Latin.
Elias Eltoria: It will be a long journey…we must leave now.
The air conditioner is broken like the moral fabric of humanity, the sun beats down hotter than nine times hell. Hoyt, Karen, Meowru, and Elias who is behind the wheel drive down a long abandoned dusty road for a few hours. Everyone is just kind of chill absorbing the back roads of Mexico in a spaced-out silence. The radio plays old Spanish songs. The golden hills and the red mud get clouded with dust as the road seems as endless as life itself, yet we always seem wind up to our destinations. You always see other people broken down at the side of the road never thinking that could ever happen to you. Denial shields fear of the inevitable and that’s what keeps us traveling.
Elias Eltoria: We are almost arrived my amigos.
Hoyt Williams: Thank GOD, this heat is hot enough to make me wish I lived in the artic or a fat guy air-conditioned room. Can we get more of that elote plant or some of that spicy mole sauce? How about some of those little sandwiches? Torrah’s?
Elias Eltoria: Torta’s TORE-TAAAAAA’S
The man behind the wheel is clearly frustrated but it’s too hot to make a scene. Elias pulls up to a guard shack with two men holding machine guns. They quickly wave him through. In the distance is a large building and behind it is barbed wire fencing with razor blades topping it off. One could imagine not only the slice of the sharp razor but the burn of the metal absorbing the rays of the blinding ball of light.
Hoyt Williams: Looks like a prison?
Elias Eltoria: Nooooooo cabron, it’s like a zoo of sorts.
Hoyt Williams: Ah yes, this must be where they hold the tigers!
Karen, Kyu, and the mean eyed cat follow their guide Elias into the building. More armed guards protect the entrance way. Once inside an old man sits in a chair behind an old desk in an army like uniform. He is smoking his cigar as he watches the approaching gringo.
Elias Eltoria: Hello sir, here are the one’s looking for a white tiger.
Old Man: I see. You must be the nefarious Mr. Williams? I’ve read a lot about you. Google says you are worth a few million dollars.
Hoyt Williams: Like a game show. Now where are these tiger’s senior?
The old man snaps his fingers and two men quickly open a side door. Two more men, come in with giant white tigers as Hoyt laughs in amazement.
Hoyt Williams: Wow will you look at that?
Old Man: So, you see by showing you these tigers after you asked for them you have officially been busted in a sting operation for international smuggling of exotic pets.
Karen: This is ridiculous. I want to speak to a mana….
Before she can get into full bitch mode a guard back hands the manager hard in the face dropping her to her knees. The cat bolts away as fast as he can to hide. Hoyt goes to react, but two guards grab him from behind.
Hoyt Williams: What the…..
Old Man: No worries my rich American amigo. All this can go away for a small fee of two million dollars.
Karen: Oh fucccck that.
Hoyt Williams: All I did was ask for two white claws. There must be some languages mix up.
Old Man: It really doesn’t matter; we want your money. If you are as important as you say you are they will pay or you will die.
Hoyt Williams: This really is a tourist trap! I get it now!!! This is one of those themed adventures. Ok I’ll play along. Karen are you ok?
The tiger roars. Hoyt raises his eyebrow like the Rock.
Karen: Hoyt this is serious. This isn’t a work.
Hoyt Williams: Ok, ok, ok. But did you just see me do the Rock eyebrow? First time I’ve pulled it off. I thought it was one of those things you either were born with, or you just don’t have it. Like my brother Jesus could walk on water. I sink if I don’t really think about it.
Hoyt still impressed with himself does the eyebrow again. Swiftly Hoyt hip tosses one of the guards but before he can get free the other guard behind him smashes the butt of his gun into the back of the head of the Kyuseishu, knocking him out cold. Karen is stood up and marched into a holding cell as two men follow suit dragging Hoyt along.
When Hoyt awakes up him and Karen are in a small cell that’s not only insanely hot, it’s entirely made of concreate except for the stainless-steel toilet. Kyu rubs the back of his head. He’s insanely thirsty and just stares at a guard sipping an orange Jarrito through the sold steel bars.
Hoyt Williams: Hey buddy can I get one of those?
Guard: American scum drink from toilet like a dog.
Hoyt Williams: Do you think I’m Benji that sick bastard would if that lady told him to? You know I can make this water into wine.
Guard: Amigo it’s a prison most guys here can turn toilet water into sangria.
Karen: Are you not concerned that they will kill us Hoyt? Why are you so calm?
Hoyt Williams: All faith in God, my cranky manager. All faith in God. It will work itself out. Trust me I love it when I miracle comes together.
Old Man: I’m glad you have such faith Cabron, you’re going to need it.
A guard opens the cell door as the old man motions for Hoyt to exit the cell. He calmly does as the guard slams the door in Karen’s face. A camera is set up in the center of the room as Hoyt is knocked down to his knees. A man wearing a face mask holds a pistol to the back of Hoyt’s head.
Hoyt Williams: Can’t you just deport me already.
Old Man: You will talk to the camera and plead to a family member to release the funds to us, or you will never be found in that hole you rot in somewhere in the desert while the mean lady rots in this jail.
Hoyt Williams: (singing) The desert's quiet and Cleveland's cold/So the story ends we're told/Kyu needs your prayers it's true,/But save a few for Karen too/she only did what she had to do/now she’s growing old
Old Man: You will be serious, or you will die. No more singing Pancho and Lefty, even if it is a great song and very underrated from the genius mind of Mr. Townes Van Zandt.
The man holding the gun to Hoyt’s head cocks it as the old man turns on the camera giving Kyu a don’t fuck with me look.
Hoyt Williams: Silas Artoria Tuesday night in PARADISE you must bring me 2 million dollars. Now as you can see, I have a gun to my head. That’s because I watched one of your promos and decided they were soooooo borning I should probably just end it all. But at last I can to my senses. So now I’m on my knees praying for you, and the CWF.
Old Man: Be serious or die!
Hoyt Williams: Oh, I’m dead serious. CWF will be paying this old guy two million dollars in emotional distress for having bare witness to the beating I’m going to give you at Paradise, Artoria. The dullards of the great north are notorious in the wrestling business for their hum drum mediocracy. Canada is a nation of soft rock, Celine Dion, and that is unforgivable. Is the boringness of the northern border all coming back to you now, because it seems like it is? Sure, you dress like a vampire from some shitty hipster Dracula reboot, and that’s almost certainly worthy of a beating, but it’s so much more than that. You have appropriated American and Japanese culture, and as the social justice samurai I can’t abide. You have sinned dearly my dope of a friend and for that I forgive you. However, you don’t believe. These people here don’t believe. The CWF doesn’t believe. But all things in Kyuseishu. Faith in me is all you ever needed. As the English singer, totally not Canadian because his music isn’t boring. As the English singer George Michael sang, “you gotta have faith.”
From out of nowhere the emotional support cat of the Kyuseishu jumps up on the desk of the old man and swipes at a set of keys sitting on the desk toward the cell. The keys go flying sliding across the floor almost in slow motion as everyone in the room watches them. They slow down and stop just at the feet of Karen in the cell.
Meowru Suzuki: HISSSSSSSSS
Before anyone can react; from a back room runs about six guards screaming in pain mixed with fear. A few of them bleeding bad. The guards protecting the room, and the old man, aim their guns to the doors but as quick as they point two white tigers are leaping at their throats. Anarchy is happening as Hoyt rolls up and delivers a Lord’s lariat to one of the other guards flipping him in the air from the power of the strike, he approaches the old man. Karen now has the keys and is letting herself out. She sees the guard who back handed her and in one quick motion she pulls a blade out of a hidden compartment in her shoe.
Karen: You should have let me talked to a manager, and now I will be YELPING this establishment.
Hoyt Williams: You tell him Karen with the Karen cut!
She kicks the guard in the balls before slashing his face with her shoe knife. Hoyt grabs the old man by the throat and tosses him across the room with ease but not before grabbing a cigar out of the man’s shirt pocket. The mean eyed cat stands behind Hoyt with both tigers licking their lips from all the excitement and killing. Hoyt spots a brick of C4 on a shelf.
Karen: What are you thinking?
Hoyt Williams: Behind that wall is a prison city where these poor people are being held against their will. It’s time to free them, and lead them out of here like Moses and the slaves of Israel. NOW Back up.
Hoyt slams the C4 against the wall and arms it with a ten second count down. He runs back to the cell that Karen is now also in. The two tigers follow. Meowru is in tow, when suddenly there is a loud bang but it’s not the wall. The old man pulled a gun out of his boot and has shot the mean eyed cat dead with blood flowing out of a massive hole.
Hoyt Williams: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Hoyt tries to run to the cat but the c4 explodes sending him flying into the wall from the back blow. A large chunk of the concrete wall goes flying and bashes the old man in the head killing him instantly. As the smoke clears a sea of men and women come flowing out of the wall towards the front door. Some of the escapes pick up guns from the dead guards and are now armed and dangerous. As the fleeing prisoners exit a few gun shots are heard in the distance.
A little frail boy with a dirty face watches in sadness as he spots the big American crying over his now dead cat. The two white tigers also watch on seemingly crying in that strange pet sorrow you often see in animals that you assume are emotionless. Anybody can find a dog and that dog will instantly love their owner. It’s a strong bond that’s easy to understand. But a cat…a cat’s love isn’t instant. Its earned. It’s a mutual trust and a shared love. A love only a cat owner can understand.
Hoyt Williams: I can’t live without you Meowru!!!
The savior spots the boy watching him from the distance. Kyu smiles at the boy, trying to comfort him and put on a brave face. The Kyuseishu carelessly whispers to the young man.
Hoyt Williams: They won’t believe you.
The pontiff of the CWF places his hands on the cat gently as he looks up to the heavens. Suddenly a golden glow illuminates from his hands. Karen is now watching in shock as the young mans eyes bulge in disbelief. The blood vanishes, the wound closes, and the cat springs up and starts licking Hoyt’s face.
Hoyt Williams: They never do believe.
Karen points to a door that says “Garaje” as she takes the keys off the dead old man’s belt. She tosses them to Hoyt who heads to the garage with Karen, Meowru, and the two white tigers in pursuit.
Karen: What was up with that healing thing?
Hoyt Williams: What’s up with that shoe knife?
They both laugh before getting into a gold painted SUV with a license plate that reads “boss”. Hoyt rolls all the windows down as the two lions stick their heads out the window ready for the journey ahead of them. Hoyt rests his arm on the open window and hits the gas on the SUV. It busts through the garage door as the biblical bunch speed away as the liberated prisoners cheer them on. The radio plays Doug Sahm’s version of La Cacahuata (Peanut) as our heroes fade off until all we see is the heat rising from the road.
:::THIS HAS BEEN A PRODUCTION OF THE RISP religious organization, and all parts may not be completely true unless you have faith. All rights reserved::::