Kyuseishu, his personal manager Karen, and his emotional support cat Meowru Suzuki are at a nondescript Jamaican café. Karen is in the background arguing fiercely with the manager flapping her arms wildly, and comically, as he just seems terrified by her. Kyuseishu is at a table with his laptop, sipping his coffee, and petting Suzuki who is sitting in his lap cool as ice-cream on a hot summer’s day.
For the last hour Kyu has been complaining on Reddit about how Americans baby their dogs around fireworks, on the fourth of July. He’s now moved on from the frightened dog’s debate to the conspiracy channel where he’s found himself drawn into a thread on the Mandela effect. Karen takes a seat beside Kyu still irate over her argument with the manager. The cat gives her a dirty look. An old Rasta man in the corner gives all of them a dirty look. God looks down from the heavens smiling on all he’s created.
Karen: The nerve of these people. The manager is telling me “they” don’t allow cats inside this café. I explained to him that emotional support animals have rights above and beyond regular animals, and even more so than some of their own citizens! I threatened to speak to the owner, the local news, and the American embassy to get this tragedy taken care of.
Kyuseishu: Does this man not know who I am? Does he not know I am a hall of famer, a well-dressed man, a living legend, a walking talking deity, the pontiff of pro-wrestling, the king of creation…HIS KYUSEISHU. He’s forgetting because of the Mandela Effect. Oh and by the way it smells like a skunk in here.
The cat licks his lips.
Karen: Oh, I explained it. He backed off when I told him I know the minister of culture. They are no match for me even with those terrible accents.
The savior takes a sip of his Jamaican roasted coffee and begins to vent about the Mandela conspiracy.
Kyuseishu: Are you familiar with the Mandela effect?
Karen: What is that some kind of African weather pattern?
Kyuseishu: No, it’s a theory…more of a fact actually! It states that false collective memories are just snap shots of a parallel universe with different timelines. But I know there is a shadowy character behind it, who is time traveling, and changing things to make us doubt our own sanity. I will find and destroy this Dark shadow.
Karen: Is that a foreshadow?
Kyuseishu: You know I don’t use that device.
From the corner sits an old Rasta man staring at the only white folk in the café our savior and his motley crew. A large plume of smoke is blown into the air by the strange man as he keeps his gaze on the strangers. The manager is seen in the background yelling at somebody on the phone while pointing at the cat and the Caucasians.
Karen: I still don’t know what the hell you are talking about.
Kyuseishu: Like the theme song to Mr. Rogers starts? How?
Karen: It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…
Kyuseishu: No, it’s now, “THIS” instead of “the”.
Karen: I think you’re wrong, and I would ask to speak to your manager, but that would involve a lot of self-discovery I’m not willing to accept at this moment.
The savior of all things that needs saving, pulls up the theme song to Mr. Rogers on his phone playing the file of Mr. Rogers singing the song, and you can clearly hear that it is now in fact “that”. Karen seems shocked.
Kyuseishu: That’s not all. Oscar M-e-y-e-r is now spelled Oscar M-a-y-e-r. “Sex in the city” is now “Sex and the city”. Uncle Pennybags from monopoly lost his monocle. They amputated Curious George’s tail right off his ass.
The cat looks uncomfortable.
Kyuseishu: Luke, I am your father was never said. C-3PO has a silver leg. Its now, “life WAS like a box of chocolates” by that dim bulb in that old movie. Also it’s now, “Interview WITH THE vampire” instead of, “with a vampire”. Everything is broken.
Karen: WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT???
Kyuseishu: You heard me right. Look any of these national tragedies on google and you will see the changes with no utter footage of the way it once was. Somebody has started in on me now. If you look at Wikipedia I can’t be found. No mention of that time I turned the statute of liberty into a walking cheerleader to save New York from a slime river and a talking Mona Lisa who by the way is now smiling. No mention of my long reign as IWGP heavyweight champion. It was like I never was in NJPW. Hell, this stupid café manager doesn’t even know who I am. Some people even think my age and height has changed since the last time I was in CWF. It’s crazy.
Karen: You were in CWF? It’s a time traveler?
God’s favorite son nods his head in approval with great concern in his crystal blue eyes.
Kyuseishu: This devil like time traveler may even be trying to erase the history of my hippie brother Jesus, to eradicate religion AND POP CULTURE. No doubt it’s a vile time traveler, and I will hunt him or her down, even if it’s my final act. It’s insane what we allow to happen right before our eyes.
Karen: Thank God you are here.
Kyuseishu: Now on to even more pressing matters. I heard the CWF doctor is ALLOWING me to wrestle Ataxia in a hardcore match????
Karen: I’ve placed calls with the new president of CWF, this is insane!! You are in no condition to wrestle after such a violent match last week, after that war you had with Paradine. I don’t get it.
Kyuseishu: That’s what I’m saying! I had a fork spiked into my forehead, and when the ref should have disqualified Paradine, he was taking a nap on the mat. The unprofessionalism in this federation is uncanny. Now they are placing me in the ring with a pervert!! What the hell is a Hungarian reach around anyway?
Karen: I can’t say in front of Meowru.
The cat is offended. The Rasta man is curious.
Kyuseishu: I mean a burlap sack? Couldn’t the costume department work on something better for this guy…or thing? I mean a plastic bag with no airholes would be my suggestion. Also, if I’m getting into a blood bath with this sinner, has he had his shots? I feel like he lives a high risk lifestyle. Is he on PReP? Am I on Prep? Is anyone prepped? This seems completely inappropriate. Get Rishel on the line, the heat in Jamaica is bad for my savior skin and Christ like cuticles. Also, I had a twisted ankle in that last match and I’m not fully healed. Just because I can walk on water doesn’t mean the nails through the wrists don’t hurt. Are sick days in my contract?
Karen: I don’t think they are.
Kyuseishu: Well then, we need to fix that. This is a Prime date for a no show. Ataxia has been battling that pushover the Shadow for a while now. That’s basically a vacation. I’ve been fighting international legends like Paradine. Let’s get out of here I’m to agitated to deal with this and the heat and skunk smell is making me uncomfortable.
The savior notices the old Rasta man who blows smoke rings in the air as their eyes meet for the first time. The savior turns around to grab his cat, and when he turns around again the man is gone as if he was never there. Kyuseishu watches as the smoke dissipates. He knows a demonic time traveler when he sees one.
Kyuseishu: The universe is out to crucify me, but I’m not my hippie brother and I don’t subscribe to his beta ways. I’m an ALPHA GOD reborn, and even hurt, if I have to I will bloody up Ataxia. I will rip off his stupid mask, grade his already ugly face against a cheese grader, bash his hands with the same hammer Noah built the arch with so he no longer can give anybody a reach around. Once I’m done with that I will solve this time jumping mystery, and the Mendel effect eradication of my history.
Just as the three Caucasians exit the police arrive as the manager yells at them explaining the situation about the mean lady, the offensive man, and the mean eyed cat.
"The concession stands are now selling those cheap hotel room round soap disks that I have personally blessed for $100’s a bar….AND SINNERS….I suggest you buy one, and use it, because if you think your God wants you in his heaven smelling like a 3am New York City uber ride you got another thing coming."