One week you’re minding your own business, then the next thing you know you’ve been dragged into the middle of a whole new glass to bullshit. Funny how life plays out sometimes, guess that’s the price you pay when you chase the highest dollar sign. You’d think I’d have learned at some point, but I’m a little behind the curve when it comes to that sort of thing I suppose. Then again it is amusing how one week I was just the hired muscle for Hostility, then I was the uncrowned world champion thanks to the Jester getting involved in my match with Flair. Then within a week I find myself now with a nice golden strap around my waist as me and Jimmy find ourselves tag team champions. Not that I’ve ever wanted to be tag team champion of this place, or any champion if I’m being honest. It wasn’t about the gold, it was about the green. This bit of notoriety though can’t hurt when it comes to contract negotiations and obvious endorsements.
“So there is one thing I don’t really understand”
The sound of my little apprentice Christians voice throws me back to reality. We’re sitting in a run down pick up truck in the parked on the side of a street. There’s several buildings around us, most of which are dimly lit. Staking out the alleyways, in search for the nights prey, the first prey for Mister Christian.
“If your primary job is doing this for Death, why do you also wrestle? Like I get you have to rebel in your own way it’s what you do as a person. I just don’t get why wrestling.”
“Because I’s good at it mon amie, I’s been fighting for as long as I’ve been breathing just about. Not to mention a man with proper motivation can make quite de amount of money in a little time. As yews may of noticed dis here gig don’t pay nothing but how dey say, in karma”
“So now that you’re a tag champion, and your face is going to be plastered around even more, don’t you think it’s going to cut into your ability to properly do this job?”
“Not really, see most of dese people are blissfully ignorant of de truth dat surrounds dem, and even dose who ain't, well dey wish dey were so dey just ignore it just de same. Not to mention I’m not what dey call a fan favorite. So other den sometimes getting asked for an autograph by some guy who likes to root for de unconventional people, I don’t get much harrassment to start with. Besides mon amie, dat’s what yews for.”
“Oh so I’m supposed to just pick up your slack?”
I smirk at Christian who just shakes his head and sighs. I tap him on the chest with the back of my hand as there’s some movement in front of us, I point in the direction of the movement. There from the shadows steps a figure. Looks like a hispanic male, approximately thirty years of age, short black hair, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a black t-shirt.
“Does it look like de picture?”
Christian looks at a photograph that he was holding. It was most likely the same guy, but he wasn’t quite close enough to get a clear look at the face totally.
“I’m not really sure Tobias.”
“In dis line of work, yews betta be sure, killin de wrong person isn't exactly someting Death just goes oh well about.”
“So what do I do?”
“Dats yew call mon amie, dis yew hunt, I’s just here to make sure yew don’t fuck it all to hell.”
“Thanks so much for your vote of confidence.”
“Anytime mon amie, anytime.”
Christian gets out of the truck and starts over towards the possible target.
“Ah direct route?”
Christian walks past the gentleman but is quite obviously trying to look at his face and even does a quick glance down at the picture in his hand.
The hispanic gentleman realizes rather quickly what’s going on and reaches over to Christian and grabs him by the throat lifting him up off the ground and tossing him clear across the alleyway into the brick wall. Christian hits so hard that some of the brick chips away. He hits the ground on his hands and knees and is struggling to breath, finally coughing up some blood as he looks up. The gentleman looks down at him, his eyes flutter black as he snarls at Christian.
“We’s not hunters mon amie.”
The demon turns around to face the voice only to be met with the image of Tobias pointing a silver and gold colored pistol, the same one that Death gave him all that time ago on his first mission.
“Vade ad Deum”
We pan back to Christian as a bright light explodes in his face causing him to close his eyes and turn away. Next we hear a thud and a hand reaching out for Christian.
“Come on Mon amie, dat was bound to draw attention, is time to make ourselves scarce.”
Tobias lifts Christian back to his feet and helps him gingerly back over to the pick up. Once Christian is in the seat fully Tobias slams the door and makes his way around to the driver side. He slides in and starts up the old rust bucket.
“Tink yew could of been more obvious mon amie?”
“Well you didn’t give me any ideas!”
“Yews gotta learn yews on way, yew aint cut out to do my way.”
“Why’s that? Cause I’m not special or something like you evidently are?”
“Nah, cause yew aint got a sneaky bone in dat dere body mon amie.”
Tobias chuckles and puts the truck into gear as he pulls out of the alleyways and side streets to the main road. He keeps it at a reasonable speed to not draw more attention.
“It was a demon Mon amie, dere are tells for demons, other den just de dark eyes, super strength and moderate telekinetic abilities. Such as for example, if yew were to say anything holy around them they tend to wince like they are in pain. Or let’s say yew have an old whiskey bottle, you put ya a bit of holy water in the bottle, stumble up like your drunk and ‘accidently’ spill it on de fella, when dey burn or scream den yew know it’s one of de unholy.”
“He called me a hunter.”
“Yea, yew know we’s not de only ones out here doing dis right? Dere are humans out dere dat hunt tings as well. Yew also got other deities who have dere charges doing good tings as well, sometimes.”
“So these henchmen don’t just do the whole fighting each other to settle petty squabbles, but also serve other purposes?”
“Just depends on what their masters tell them to do. Some do good things, some do bad things. For example, the goddess Athena’s charges tend to hold hunts for her followers.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad.”
“Eh, dey normally hunt people, dough last I spoke to anyone in de know it was all volunteers. Either people who wanted to die but thought suicide as a cheap out. Or badasses who thought dey could win.”
“Do they ever win?”
“Do yew tink anyone ever survives a hunt against de goddess of fuckin hunting? Dat’s like saying hey does anybody survive meeting de embodiment of death. No ya cooyon dey all fuckin die.”
“So what other gods do good?”
“Fuck if I know mon amie, I just always assume dere is. I mean de trinity god normally does nice tings for de people. Sends his charges out to save some people sometimes, perform small miracles and de such. Dey power is sheeeeewwww.”
“That makes sense, Death explained basically the more people believed in the entity the more souls they reaped upon deaths, those souls gave them power. More souls, equal more power, and that power is channeled through the charges. So obviously the trinity god would have untold power.”
“Got to give it to um for being crafty mon amie, most of de gods dey just choose one ting to rule over. He not only said he was de only god, a god to rule all gods as it were, but den he made basically three different religions dat all worship him but just changed up de messiah on dem. It’s de greatest racket I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen ever kind of racket dere is.”
Tobias gives a little smirk to Christian who doesn’t really notice as he’s staring out the trucks window.
“What is it mon amie?”
“Just thinking about how much things have changed in just a week or two for me.”
“Eh, yews still fighting in a war.”
“Yeah but I signed up for the other one. I knew what I was going to have to face even if I didn’t really know. This, this is a whole different beast altogether, gods, demons, monsters, powers, it’s a little much to absorb.”
“Dat’s fair, but it gets easier. Well not de fighting or de understanding, but mainly de just accepting it and rollin with it.”
“I hope so.”
A couple days later I find myself sitting in my favorite of spots, a greasy spoon diner. I’m sitting in the corner booth per usual, makes it easier to watch all the people come and go. However this week I get the joy of being accompanied once again by my tag team partner, and fellow champion, Jimmy Allen. Jimmy is slowly sticking his fork into the eggs as though he’s not sure that they in fact did come from a chicken. Meanwhile I’m sipping on my burnt six hour old coffee.
“So, you wanted to see me?”
His voice was full of trepidation, not sure if it was because of the meeting or the eggs to be honest.
“Yea mon amie, I figured since we’s into de whole summoning each other ting after last weeks little meeting dat we should get together dis week. After all, we’s not celebrated our winning of de titles.”
“Yeah, Not really been in the celebrating mood”
“Oh, dere trouble in de paradise yew call life?”
“Life is far from a paradise Tobias, however no not really that.”
“Come on den partna, what is de matta, yew can tell ole Tobias”
“Well you know who we are fighting this week right?”
“Some old fucks, a Big Mac and Treat Meat?”
“Mac Bane and Trent Steele, they may be older but they are not to be taken lightly.”
“Ah, I never take anyones lightly once de bell rings Mon amie, I just having some fun with ya. Yew know I’s bad wit de names.”
“Yeah, anyway, the main issue is I have a history with both of them in a way. Trent, he thinks I had something to do with some of his personal stuff going on. Meanwhile Mac is my dad.”
I about spit out my coffee, I quickly wipe my face off with a napkin.
“We’s fightin ya old man? Dat’s fucked up mon amie.”
“Yeah, it’s that Jon Stewarts’ guy idea of a joke I suppose.”
“Well, yew wanna just not show up to de match. I mean it’s non title, it don’t matter. We can just chill in de back or hell not even go to the show at all.”
“No, I’m not afraid to fight him or anything like that. I just am not looking forward to it that’s all.”
“Well dats fair.”
“I don’t think you understand, my Dad can be a bit difficult to be around sometimes. He’s a tough old bastard.”
“Believe me, I knows about tough dads.”
“Oh your dad was a fighter too?”
“Nah, unless you count after climbing in a bottle him beating my moms around the house a fighter.”
“Yea, don’t worry none dough, he got his. Dere a gator somewhere out in de swamps back home who ate mighty well one dark night.”
“Eh, couldn’t of happened to a bigger piece of shit mon amie, but dat’s what yew get for gambling wit de wrong people.”
“Well this went a lot darker than I expected. I was just meaning he always expected the absolute best from me. Anything less than perfection got the whole disappointment talk. Or a showing around the ring.”
“Oh so he just was a bit rough with yew, tough love sort.”
“Yea, still feels weird fighting him.”
“I can see dat, especially as he obviously loves yew if he was pushing yew to be so good. Tough love is still love mon amie, it’s just de type macho people tend to be able to show.”
“I suppose so.”
“Don’t yew worry non Jimmay, we’s not gonna hurt him all dat bad, hell we can focus on Trent if’n yews want to.”
“Winning is the most important thing, but thanks.”
“No problems Jimmay, no problem at’tall”
I give him one of my trademark smirks, although he just sort of weakly smiles back. He’s still concerned about how this will all play out. Can’t say I blame him, don’t think I’d want to face my old man in a match. Well maybe not my old man, could that would actually be fun for me, but someone I respected. I go back to drinking my coffee as he finally accepts taking a bite of his eggs.
Trent and Mac, two big tough older gentlemen come to show the young whippersnappers how it’s done. The only problem is that you’re some thrown together throw away team and we’re a true team. We’re a team forged in battles against the best this fed has ever had, and we came out of it with these shiny belts to show for our efforts. Now I’m not really wanting to rain on your parade as it were, having returned recently to the world of wrestling, but this Stewart guy has decided to do it for us. So when you’re laid up in the bed nursing your torn ligaments and dislocated joints, please be sure to send your complaint letters to him. He obviously hasn’t realized that’s just what I do. Let alone to someone at y'alls advanced age.
However don’t think I’m going to take you lightly just because you’re as old as some of the fossils in the smithsonian. No, I know with age comes wisdom, well in some peoples cases at least. So I know you’ll try to be crafty, but come on, I’m Tobias Devereaux...you don’t outcrafty Tobias Devereaux, it’s sort of my shtick around here. So best of luck to you gents, I’ll try my best not to put you out of action for too long.
"The concession stands are now selling those cheap hotel room round soap disks that I have personally blessed for $100’s a bar….AND SINNERS….I suggest you buy one, and use it, because if you think your God wants you in his heaven smelling like a 3am New York City uber ride you got another thing coming."