The scene is nothing but a white blanket. A shadowy silhouette moves in behind it, and the voice of Maestro can be heard.
Last week I proved that rough winds, such as myself, do indeed shake the darling buds of CWF. You were introduced to the impeccable technique of the Chiseler himself. A production so vulgar even Sarah Kane would flinch. However, let us not waste any time speaking of victims’ past, let us move on to victims, ahem, I mean, compatriots yet to come. Mister plain-spoken, know-nothing, cocky little son of a godly nobody; Kay Cee the third? I’ll level with you, I’ve never quite understood tag-team wrestling, or tag-team anything for that matter. Even on-stage I prefer monologues. However, if you just stay out of my way I am sure we can make this tournament work, I’ll do the work, you’ll stay at the ropes and I’ll just tag you in if I need a water break or something. That seems like the most efficient arrangement to me. As for our opponents, I’ll do the analysis and I’ll just e-mail you the details, because that’s just how fair I am!
The white blanket falls down, revealing Maestro wearing nothing but boxer-shorts.
Honestly mom, you just had to keep the blanket up, you had one simple task!
A voice responds from outside the frame.
I’m sorry dear, should we take it from the top?
NO! Just, I don’t know, let’s treat it as verfremdung, go with the flow.
Maestro looks to regain his confidence
Let us get to this weeks subject matter, the reasoning behind all this glorious scenery, the crème de la creepy, the king of alternative medicine, The Shadow himself! This week, I started my usual analysis in quite an unusual manner, by imagining what it would be like to actually fight a shadow! Yes! And first I had to decipher what a shadow actually is, obviously.
He starts calmly waving his right index finger, from one side to the other.
If you were to put a reflection of your finger on the face of the moon, and move your finger like so, the shadow of your finger would move from one side of the moon’s face to another. The shadow of your finger would travel hundreds of thousands of kilometers in mere seconds! Now, this seems to break the simplest laws of physics, right? This seems to violate the foundation upon which we have built our understanding of the universe? Wrong. Why is this wrong, you ask? Because shadows are nothing. Shadows are not able to transfer information, they can’t be broken down or deciphered. Shadows are simply representations of something else. But the man who calls himself “The Shadow” can be broken down, he can be defeated. Loki Synn proved this to us as recently as Wrestle Fest IV.
He stops waving his finger but keeps it raised as if he’s asking for attention
Therefore I have drawn the only possible conclusion: The Shadow isn’t a real shadow! I know! What a mind-wrangling turn of events! The so-called shadow, which is how he from now on shall be referred to, is nothing but a fraud?! Yes! The illusion is gone, my friend! You can’t hide anymore! You’re just a man playing a role and we know it! And do you know what the worst part is? You can’t even play your role particularly well. You act all absurd, of course you do, it’s your job, but having analyzed your matches in this company, and looking past your “spooky” persona, I have managed to find clear patterns, as I always do. You can’t hide from The Method Of The Maestro, Shadow. You can’t hide no matter how much you try to act like an escaped mental patient. Your moves are more obvious than the moves of Vishy Anand in the ninth game of the World Chess Championship of 2013. Yes, I have analyzed all your former CWF-matches, tag matches, fatal four ways, everything! I have prepared for what you may bring forth, and come this Thursday, I will execute. And mark my words, “shadow”, when I beat you, people will see you as the fraud you are, the fans, and the wrestlers backstage will no longer be scared of your seemingly absurd persona. I will ruin your CWF-career, friend. Not by breaking your neck, not even by breaking your mind, but by breaking your character.
"The concession stands are now selling those cheap hotel room round soap disks that I have personally blessed for $100’s a bar….AND SINNERS….I suggest you buy one, and use it, because if you think your God wants you in his heaven smelling like a 3am New York City uber ride you got another thing coming."