"All I can do is try, even though I came as close as I did. All I can do is keep on going and keep being me."
"I know, I'm sure everyone has had moments like mine, even though they wouldn't care to admit it outright. Even as newbies slowly making our way through this business, we had our moments of failure. It's how we learned, how we reformed into something better and something much more than what used to be."
"By no means am I a newbie, but I like to think of myself as constantly evolving, and constantly learning."
"If I can't learn from what came before, from the mistakes, then what the hell am I doing? I'll find my way to the top one way or the other, no matter what I have to do to get there. If I can come close, I can go even further and get over that bump in the road. Anything is possible, right? Of course it is."
"I don't know what else to say to people...
Why should I explain myself to people anyway?
They won't listen. They never do. People are too busy listening to the other little sheep, than to concern themselves with the real danger lurking behind the scene."
There was humming and the sounds of Michael Jackson coming from Autumn's phone as she furiously brushed her teeth, staring at her slightly rumpled reflection on this early morning. She had returned back to Chicago to link back up with her partner in crime, Phoenix, only to find his cozy little home completely quiet. She couldn't get ahold of him either, even after leaving a couple of messages to say she was crashing in his house for the duration of her stay before flying back out for the next Evolution show. Lucky for her, she had her own key to get into the house.
He wouldn't mind anyway, so long as she didn't throw any wild parties and leave the house a disaster.
The quick sounds of music were interrupted by her ringtone cutting through the air. Toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, she looked down and swiped to accept the call, quickly putting it on speaker.
"Hey there girl, what's going on?"
"Nada. Crashing at the birdbrain's house for a while before I head on out."
"Throwing a party?"
"Hell no. He'd kill me."
"Is he there?"
"Strangely no. I can't get ahold of him either. Left him messages just letting him know I was here and whatever, but I haven't heard back."
"Duh. I've blown up his phone enough today. Maybe he's having one of his personal moments again. He withdraws and goes radio silent for a few days while he works out his own shit."
"Want some company?"
"If you lived here in the city, I'd say yes, but thanks for the offer."
"I thought I'd ask."
"I know. Aren't you at work right now?"
"I have a few minutes, so I thought I'd buzz you and chit chat for a while. Not looking forward to today. We're doing inventory and the whole store has to be straightened and gone through."
"Ouch. Sucks to be you."
"Y'know you could switch and do my job, and I can go out and bust up my body."
"Ha, no thanks."
"The Coalition was supposed to be a group of people with the same exact fucking ideals, working together to change the way things were done in CWF. To get the titles, to teach these nerds a lesson, that whole thing. I'm not gonna go over things because everyone in this fucking roster was a witness to what it was, or more accurately what it wasn't. Nothing got done, Dean went fucking awall and took off, I took the brunt of the abuse in the matches, and Silas was more interested in playing fucking footsie with his inner bitch.
There was no group, only a man who was dragging a bunch of innocent stupid people along to use them to gain his own stupid goals. Dean was smart to take off, looking back on it. Sam and I were the stupid people. We stuck around, thinking it was just a bump. It wasn't anything. Not a damn thing. Just false promises and shit just so Silas could be a try hard.
Now he won't go away.
He's like a bad fucking dream, ya?
Where's the Ghostbusters when you need 'em."
"Seriously, I was worried about you."
"I'm sorry...you know how I get when things get bad."
"I know, but...geez...just warn me or say something. This time you didn't. What the fuck was I supposed to think, ya goof?"
*sigh* "I promise I'm fine. I'm still dealing with my issues. You didn't leave my crib a mess did you?"
"Yeah I did. I filled the house with those plastic balls and had a blast. Good luck on getting them all out."
"I wonder why I'm even in this match to begin with, you know? Not that I don't want to be here, but if you look at it from the outside, you kinda get the feeling that this is really a match between MJ and Silas. Not a match between myself, MJ, and Silas. Shit take me out of the equasion, and you still have a decent B match."
Autumn chuckles, tracing patterns in the sand with a random stick she picked up.
"Just give me a few minutes to get my popcorn, a drink, and a decent fucking seat. I'll go sit with the announcers and call the match even, I think they'll like that."
She pauses, frowning a bit.
"Yo MJ, I don't really need some pompous feminist figure to preach to me about stupid shit that I haven't heard before. I know I'm worth more, that I'm better than whatever bullshit that he's deciding to spew out this week and that being a punching bag frankly sucks. Being tossed into heavy boxes sucks too, but that's in the past. He's like the fucking needle in my side that I haven't gotten out yet, and god damn if I haven't been trying."
She continues to trace patterns in the sand.
"I believed in what he *supposedly* wanted to bring to the table, all of it. Looking back, I realize it was just a bunch of lies and bullshit just to get what he wanted. We were his tools, his pawns to push, yell, and belittle all he wanted, all in order to get the glory and the gold for himself. Self-respect? It didn't exist then. Now? Bits and pieces."
"Those bits and pieces can be put back together, one by one, until success is gained."
Autumn tosses down the stick and stares out at the horizon.
"I don't know what to call this little back and forth between us anymore. I thought ignoring it would do some good, but apparently I was wrong. He's continued to take his jabs at me for weeks and I haven't done a god damn thing because I thought it would just 'go away'. I should have known better. He didn't just decide that little fact MJ, he's had that idea festering in his pea brain since the formation of Coalition. I'd bet hard money on that fact."
"He still thinks he has a shot at that title. This whole thing is just another layer of mind games to him. He hasn't given up, he's still gunning for it, just in a different way chica. He still blames you for not being champion. Blames you for a lot of stuff. He figures this is just another way to get back at you and get on the radar again for a title that frankly he doesn't really need nor deserve in the first place."
"After everything, the belittling, the harsh words, you'd think I would have walked away. I didn't. Neither did Sam. Because we believed in the cause, or what we thought was one. There was, just not the one that we *all* were supposed to fight for. I didn't even see it coming, literally, until he fucked me up backstage last week."
She sighs, as if she doesn't really want to address the big elephant in the room.
"Silas, my dear disturbed disfunctional screw up. What is your god damn malfunction boy? You still can't let it go. You can't let anything go as far as what happened back then. Let me give you a fact check, ya goof. There was no such thing as the Coalition, there never was. It wasn't about me, Sam, Dean, and you. It was all about you. That's the real truth, it was never about us. It was about you, and your selfish fucking wants that still haven't come to fruition.
Where's your title Silas? Where's that gold you so hungrily pursued and tossed us aside for? It's certainly not around your waist, and to add insult, it's not around mine either. I don't deserve title shots, not at this point. I have a lot of personal work to do, a lot of soul searching, a lot of stuff as MJ so rightly put it. You, you are a lost cause all on your own and you know why. You can win titles, but when you lose, you throw the blame on others.
It's their fault.
Did you ever think the person really holding you down wasn't me, but you?
Your own stupidity and ridiculous ego, held you down, and it still does. You're still blaming me for your screw ups, for not being in the top echelon as far as a title...future title holder is. You ain't anywhere near it, shit. You're still mad that MJ isn't champion, because this would make this match that much sweeter for you.
To beat the champion and make her submit, to get her to fall for knocking your ass on the ground."
Autumn pinches the bridge of her nose sighing in frustration.
"Y'know what Silas, you listen to me. I have every right to be in that ring with you, with MJ, or with anyone else in this company. Because I'm a fighter, and I'm trying to put the pieces back together to show everyone that I am a player that deserves everything. I'm not there yet, but I will be as much as that fact pisses you off. This isn't just a fight between you and MJ, this is a fight between all of us, because as strange as it is, both of us have very valid reasons to fuck you up.
That scares you, inside, to be exposed by the very women you're trying to hold down and blame for your short comings.
If I choose to screw up the outcome, so be it. I'm not afraid of what you're going to do, you and that inner bitch of yours. If I don't win, that's fine. I just want to see MJ wipe the god damn floor with your face. If I win, hell, even better. I can kick the shit out of you and punish you for all the crap you put me through, all for your SELFISH NEEDS!"
She grabs something off screen, and waves it at the camera. It's a barbed wire bat, and she has this mad grin on her face.
"You will be the one paying the price for everything that you've done to me. After tonight, you will be nothing more than a blood stain on the floor.
Forgotten and humiliated.
Quote the Raven, forever more."
"The concession stands are now selling those cheap hotel room round soap disks that I have personally blessed for $100’s a bar….AND SINNERS….I suggest you buy one, and use it, because if you think your God wants you in his heaven smelling like a 3am New York City uber ride you got another thing coming."