Title: God's Plan
Featuring: Kyuseishu
Date: 2/7/2020
Location: Canada
Show: Frozen Over VIII



God's plan, God's plan
I can't do this on my own, ay, no, ay”

--Drake, ‘God’s Plan’

 

[The Following Aired On The Hoyt Williams Movie Channel]

When you start to get old you find new better ways to exist.  For Hoyt Williams this meant swimming along with water resistance training.  It was the best cardio he's done in his career; it reduces the stress on his knees and back and left him feeling good ready to concur anyone. 

Above all else, head under water and body in a machine-like state he finds absolute mental clarity. The only sound that exists is the rhythmic "swish" followed by a gasp of air and repeat over and over.   The body is thinking on its own as it's in a survival state.  So, the mind is free.  Fly free bird fly.

A lot has been weighing heavy on the wrestling legend and deity's psyche.  A title shot at Frozen Over could be one of the last of his career.  To use a boring ass baseball analogy Hoyt didn't have many “at bats” left in his line up and being an all knowing and all-seeing entity he knew it.   It's a young man's game and it's been a long month of Sundays since he first strapped on his first pair of boots and joined the ole Family Tradition.  

Hoyt knew CWF needed him, as the interim champion was weak, and the other guy was a baseball fan not worth of much of anyone’s attention.  Baseball fans are some of the worst humans on the planet.  The whole fandom of the sport is sitting around buying overpriced beer watching privileged old millionaires tossing a ball around a grass field.  You're Kyuseishu has always found that a bottle of high-end Japanese whiskey, a mixer, and a dog park was far more entertaining.  

It's a seldom known fact that Hoyt founded and built ‘Wiggly Field’ Chicago's no leash dog park.  This has always been a point of contention between Hoyt and his emotional support cat the mean eyed Meowru Suzuki who finds dogs to be dumb they remind him of Canadians like Silas Artoria.  

It's already been a rough week in Canada as Hoyt, as a cross promotional guest of the Toronto Raptors was spotted seated during the Canadian national anthem.  When asked after the game why, he started just fine, citing the mistreatment of the Nation’s First people the indigenous landowners pushed aside by the invading Europeans.  If he stopped there it would have been a decent answer, but he couldn't help himself, so he followed up with his real reason why he didn’t stand and that's, “that the song is really stupid”. 

Now it seems that the entire nation hates him as death threats and deportation talks have already started.  Hoyt’s used to this, the first world title he ever won was off a slack jawed Canadian in PRIME seemingly 100 years ago.  Canada has always hated him.  Canadians have always been a scourge in the annals of wrestling history and have never sat well with the Williams family linage.  A strange personality less breed that tends to be gateway champions until super stars with personality take it from them if exactly how the Williams family feels about Canadian wrestlers.  Artoria was a prime example. 

Swimming towards the end of the pool while doing a lap Hoyt notices a man in a red suit and sunglasses waiting for him.  The out of place man looks official and has Hoyt somewhat concerned.  Being deported from Canada would be a real obstacle for his world title hopes. 

Mystery Man: Mr. Williams I'm here on official Canadian government business and I need you to dry off and come with me.  The head of Canada needs to speak with you urgently. 

Hoyt Williams: Tell the Queen I don't subscribe to cos-play old ladies living in castles and fantasylands I’ll pass. For I am the king of kings and the son of man.

Mystery Man: Sir, I assure you the head of Canada is not the queen. 

Hoyt Williams: Well then tell the Prime Minister he's overextending his authority and I'd rather deal with the old lady Queen and her stupid hats. 

Mystery Man: I assure you Sir; I'm not speaking of the Prime Minister.  Although I can't disclose the who, the real ruler of Canada urgently demands an audience. 

Hoyt Williams: Look, if this is over your really, really, stupid national anthem, I'm not coming.  The song sucks.  I mean zero rhythm.  I get it you're a nation of personality-less white people who think they know everything despite having the population of California in a nation about the size of the entire United States.  Of course, you get free health care you have no people!!!!  The song is dumb, and that's the bottom line because God told me so. 

Mystery Man: I happen to enjoy our national anthem but Sir this is urgent and has nothing to do with the national anthem EH. 

The savior slides out of the pool showing off his perfect body as it drips down with water. 

Hoyt Williams: So, if it's not about Oh, Can-a-Duhhhh you've peaked my interests.  Allow me to get a “Canada Dry” and I'll roll with you.  My cat is waiting in the locker room he will be joining us so if you're weak Canadian noses are allergic that's God already punishing you. 

The car ride was long, and winding and the countryside explained a lot about where the Canadians get their personality from.   Dull, uneventful, and cold the ride was like a Ted talk on something you could care little about like salad or baseball. 

The car arrived in a big mansion on a hill where it promptly pulled into a secured garage.  Guards dressed like the men in black (the original, not the shitty reboot) surround the car as our savior and his cat exit stretch their legs absorbing in their surroundings. 

Hoyt Williams: Will Canadian refreshments be offered? 

Meowru: Meowwwwww~~!

Hoyt Williams: And tuna or mmm mmm mmm for the halibut…for the cat. 

Mystery Man: We have some Tim Horton doughnuts.   

Hoyt and the cat both make a face of rejection.

Hoyt Williams: We'll pass.  Can we just meet who ever this ruler is already? 

Mystery Man: Follow me, Eh. 

Hoyt Williams: Ehhhhhh. 

Hoyt laughs at the cat. Two armed guard escort the savior and the cat, down a long hall way with a long red carpet under their feet.  They come to a room that looks to be an office of sorts.  In the center is a desk, but whoever is behind it, is in a chair with their back-facing Hoyt.   The man, woman, or alien is still a mystery to Hoyt.  The chair starts spinning slowly towards them. 

Many thoughts start spinning through Hoyt's brain as this whole thing could be a mistake.  Had he fallen into a trap set by their countryman Si Artoria???  Never get into black cars with strangers is a lesson old man Williams bestowed upon Hoyt at a very young age.   One of the few lessons he learned before his father got lost into the road of stardom, whiskey, and whores. 

Back in the late 80's or early 90's a wrestler "The Canadian Strongman" Dino Bravo was murdered by the Canadian mafia.  True story google it for the details.  This was also running through Hoyt's mind.  Could this be it?  Could the second coming end in a strange home on a cold day in Canada.  Could this Alpha’s tale and legend end like Dino Bravo?  He came up short in the Alpha and Omega tournament.  Now was he going to come up short on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

Hoyt Williams: Drizzy?  Champaign Pa-pi??  You run Canada? 

The man behind the desk and the clandestine power ruler of Canada is indeed Drake as the two men exchange an elaborate handshake.  

Drake: It is me.  My blood line is deep and strong here in Canada like you I’m a member of our very special society.  Hoyt, I need your help.

Hoyt Williams: Why me?

Drake: You are a savior, aren’t you?

The savior of everything holy raises his arms like Jesus hanging off a cross.

Hoyt Williams: Drizzy if it’s saving you need then I am your man, but I have to ask what’s in it for me?  I mean I can’t just be handing out miracles like, Jesus on Lepers, the cost of doing business has gone up in the last two thousand years.  Besides Canada is no friend of the Williams family.  This ice infested waste land is bitter to the holy book.

Drake: I understand your position dawg.  I am a businessman.  Success is what Drake breeds.  How about I sing you to the ring for your title match along with the target I need you to obtain.

Hoyt Williams: A Drake entrance in Canada?  Hmmmmm that could give me some street cred and it surly would show up that bore Artoria. 

Drake: Ugh he is a national disappointment. 

Hoyt Williams: So, what is the mission?

Drake pulls out a dossier and starts pulling items out of it sliding them across his desk.  The cat meows jumps up upon the desk, and lays on the information like a real bastard. 

Hoyt Williams: The cat wants Canada’s finest grown cat nip and a truck of tuna.


Drake: Deal.

Hoyt Williams: Meowru stand down. 

The cat jumps off the desk but not before giving Drake the stink eye and showing him his butt hole as he lifts his tail.

Drake: Canada’s national treasure has gone missing. A week ago, Celine Dion was seen exiting a Toronto doughnut shop.  Two men in black masks grabbed her and threw her in a van on the way out all we have is a camera shot no witnesses.   We need to find her.  Our Canadian heart will not be able to go on with out her.  She must be saved Hoyt.  You are our last hope.

Hoyt Williams: Saving is my family business Mr. Drake.  But why me?

Drake: We have tracked down the kidnappers and they think they are talking to an American who hates Canada.  They want to sell her to make sure she’s disposed of in America by organ harvesters.  Canadians hate you, so they will trust you in waiting the death of Celine Dion and her organs.

Hoyt Williams: They want to sell Celine Dion’s organs?

Drake: Very highly valued.

Hoyt Williams: I never knew.  So, if I can get Celine Dion back with all her organs, both you and her will sing me to the ring for my match at the pay-per-view? 

Drake: That’s what I’m offering.

Hoyt Williams: That would be super bowl epic.  Hmmmmm. 

Hoyt takes a step back and goes down to his knee whispering something into the cat’s ear.  The two talk for a minute as Drake looks on a bit confused but hopeful.  Hoyt puts up his hand flat and the cat seemingly hits it in a high five motion.

Hoyt Williams: Ok we’ll do it!  

Drake smiles and shakse the savior’s hand.

Hoyt Williams: What’s next?? Oh, Is there any way you could have Freddie Styles taken out, or deported while I work on this?

Drake: Hoyt you are better than Freddie.  You can handle that business in the ring.

Hoyt Williams: You’re right.  Freddie Styles isn’t a concern.

Drake: I have a helicopter out back to take you to a warehouse in Manitoba.  I’ve assigned my best agent he’s kinda the James Bond of Canada Derward Li. 

A large headed very white looking man steps forward, and reports for duty.  Hoyt nods, the cat growls.

Derward Li: I’m here to help eh!

Hoyt Williams: Good, we could use a translator.  Let’s go.

The Cat, the Canadian, and the soon to be Champion fly high in the sky in the black helicopter.  Tree tops, house tops, birds, and clouds float by as the cool Canadian air chills the saviors on their journey into the tundra of Canada.  The radio plays only Rush songs. 

Hoyt knows a spectacular entrance is key to winning any pay-per-view match.  Even if you lose you make the press and the highlight reels. Wrestling is a show.  The fight is just the icing on the cake.  The better you make the show, the longer your legacy will shine.  Legacy is a tough thing to protect in 2020.  Everyone wants to bury anybody they disagree with.  They will destroy legends, topple statues, and rewrite history to scrub it in their desire.  It’s dangerous but nobody thought the millennials that some of the best food is made in the dirtiest of kitchens.  They want everything sterile and seemingly safe.

Never, ever ride, in tiny tiny planes or helicopters especially with Hoyt.  

Hoyt Williams: Hey Derward do you know who Ritchie Valens is?

Derward Li:  Not really.

Hoyt Williams: He was a singer who died in a plane crash. 

Derward Li: Oh OK ah.

The men are shouting over each other as the noise from the blades make it difficult to hear. 

Hoyt Williams: Aaliyah.  Dead.  JFK Jr.  Same way.

Derward Li: I’ll be.

Hoyt Williams: Otis Redding.  Hell Rocky Marciano.  All dipped from the skies.  Just straight out crashed. No more sitting on the dock of any Bay. 

Derward Li looks down at the ground and is nervous for the first time in a helicopter in years. 

Hoyt Williams: Oh yea.  Obviously Buddy Holly.  Jim Croce.  Roberto Clemente, you hear that Freddie Style!!  Plan crash. Stupid Baseball.

Derward Li: Freddie Styles died in a plane crash eh?

Hoyt Williams: Naw He’s going to die by my hands.  But Lech Kaczynski the president of Poland crashed in 2010.  I feel like I’m forgetting somebody.

Hoyt looks out the window as he thinks about it. Derward looks at his phone trying not to think about all the aviation accidents.

Hoyt Williams: DUHHH  KOBE!!!   Kobe Bryant just made the list!!!  

Hoyt seems proud that be remembered even if all the lost lives were certainly tragic. 

Hoyt Williams: So looking at the lay out of the warehouse we have two very clear entrance points.  Point A has us going through the front door.  Whereas Point B has us going through a side door.  Which one do you think we should use Derward? A or B?

Derward Li: I think B would be best, Eh.

Hoyt Williams: Yes, B OR A!?!

Derward Li: B Eh.

Hoyt Williams: BA?

Derward Li: B, Eh.

Hoyt Williams: EH, B?

Derward Li: EH.

Hoyt Williams: Eh.

The plane lands with out any incident.

The Savior, the Cat, and the Canadian with a large suitcase seemingly filled with money make their way to the side entrance.  The cat moves ahead and leaps through a window to get a scouting location.  Hoyt pulls out his I-phone and watches from the camera on Meowru’s collar. 

Derward Li: That’s a good Cat ah?

Hoyt Williams: The best. 

The two men watch as we see a warehouse full of about men drinking Molson Beer and scratching their asses bored.  At the end of the room in a tied down Celine Dion.

Hoyt Williams: I forgot to get guns from Drake.

Derward Li: This is Canada, we don’t have guns.

Hoyt Williams: Drake had guards with guns at his mansion. 

Dreward Li: Well he is the head of Canada EH.

Hoyt Williams: Do you think they have guns?

Hoyt points to the phone.

Derward Li: Aboot that I think they do, Eh.

The two men look closely at the phone and see as Meowru shows them guns on the men’s hips.

Hoyt Williams: Hips don’t lie. I thought you said you don’t have guns in Canada?

Derward Li: Well the good guys don’t.  Richard Dean Anderson is a fine Canadian and he as Macgyver just needed a pocketknife.

Hoyt Williams: How do you people even exist? 

Derward Li: We have to solve this Macgyver/Canadian style Eh!

Hoyt Williams: Seriously we can’t just go buy a gun?  I mean you people do hunt. 

Derward Li: Those guns are tools.  You wouldn’t use a rake to hurt somebody. 

Hoyt Williams: If I wanted to rob a Satan spawn, you’re damn right I would use a rake to smash a mofo. Shit man we don’t even have any rakes now. 

Derward Li: I got a pocket watch.

Hoyt Williams: It’s Canadian time, it’s irrelevant.  Think Derward, think!!

Hoyt starts drawing math problems in the snow with a stick

Hoyt Williams: YES YES YES!!  I got it.

Derward Li: Eh?

Hoyt Williams: Meowru come in.

Meowru (via phone speaker): Meow.

Hoyt Williams: I need you to find the largest whitest wall and face it from a projectors distance.  I’m going to project an image on the wall.  Do you follow?

Meowru: Meow.

Hoyt Williams: Good.

Derward Li: What are you going to show ah?

Hoyt Williams: Look at you’re clock and let me know when it’s five minutes.

Hoyt really didn’t care about the time he just wanted Derward to shut up.

Derward Li: Check.

The savior franticly works his fingers on his phone as he go’s to CWF’s website.  He finds the profile of Silas Artoria.  He goes to promos and hits play.  Suddenly inside the warehouse a Silas Artoria promo starts playing on the wall.  The two men slip to the entrance and peak through the door to watch the guards reaction.

Guard Bob: Look at dat der cat eh.  He’s playing some kinda rasslin movie ah.  What’s this all aboot?

Guard Stewart: I love this Artoria guy.  He’s funny Eh.

Guard Bob: Oh yeaaaa my son Wade has a doll of his Eh.

Guard Lou: This is a good show Eh.  Why does dat cat der have a movie a playing ah?

Guard Joe: Who knows but it’s a good video isn’t it ah.

Hoyt slaps his hand against his head in a panic as his plan isn’t working.  He rubs his temples hard.

Hoyt Williams: Why aren’t they falling asleep? This is sooooo boring.

Derward Li: Oh I like that der Silas ah.

Hoyt stares into the dim eyes of the Canadian James Bond as it suddenly hits him.

Hoyt Williams: OH MY GOD!!  My Father in heaven.  I understand now.  For the Canadians can’t see how boring other Canadians are!?!?  Of course.  The tower of Babel!!  Only the rest of the world falls asleep to Canadians.  Damn it.  What now?

Derward Li: You’re crazy Silas is da man.

Hoyt Williams: I got it.  BASEBALL!!  Everyone knows Baseball is boring. 

Hoyt fiddles with his phone like he’s Charlie Daniel’s playing the ‘Devil Went Down to Georgia’, in Georgia, on the 4th of July.  Suddenly a game pops on.

Guard Bob: Ohhhh good somebody put some Baseball on Ah!  Hand me one of dem der beers.  Molson please EH.

Another guard passes Bob a beer as they now all crack opens fresh ones and watch the game.  Hoyt looks over at Derward to see him falling asleep next to him look at his phone.  He knows it’s working.

Hoyt Williams: I’ll be damned.

Hoyt prays in order to stay awake while everyone else falls asleep to the baseball game. He elbows Derward once all the guards were napping at the bottom of the 4th

Hoyt Williams: Let’s go.

The savior, the Canadian, and the cat tip toe past the sleeping guards to a stage where Celine Dion is tied up with thick rope.  The Savior starts to untangle her when out of nowhere a gun presses hard against the head of Celine.

CLICK

Hoyt and Derward back up and look at the woman holding the gun.  It’s Avril Lavigne.

Hoyt & Derward: Avril Lavigne??????!!!!!!  

Avril Lavigne: Guards.

The slumbering Canadians wake up and grab their guns pointing them at the two men and now the cat.  The cat is pissed wondering why they didn’t just grab a gun while the men were sleeping.

Hoyt Williams: But why?

Avril Lavigne: Isn’t it obvious American?   You people are all about being on top. You need it, you crave it, you and your Milton Friedman philosophy that applauds greed.  You more than anyone else should get why.

Hoyt Williams: I do get it.  With Celine out of the way you become the queen of Canadian pop music.  Why wait, as Celine just gets older and more loved.

Avril Lavigne: So much for my happy ending.

Hoyt spits on the ground near her feet.

Hoyt Williams: I LOVED that song.  How could you?

Avril Lavigne: Grow up sk8er boy.   It’s a very Complicated world.

Hoyt Williams: Enough of this song banter.   It’s not to late to look inside your Canadian hart and find forgiveness.  Accept me as your lord and savior, and I promise you the promised land.  Hell, you can even sing ME to the ring.

Avril Lavigne: I’m an atheist don’t try to mansplain your way out of this.

Hoyt Williams: You’re one wicked bitch.

Suddenly all the doors bust open as agents with guns flood in the room over taking the room.  Hoyt acts suddenly and uses his hand to spiritually heal Avril making her pass out.  A man is heard clapping behind all the troops.

POP POP POP

Not gun shots. Its Drake poppin the bubbly open.

Hoyt Williams: You see GUNS are the answer!!   It’s good to see you Drizzy. 

Drake: You know I got your back Hoss. 

The two men hug as Derward frees Céline Dion.  Shockingly Celine Dion walks over to Avril kicks her in the stomach picks up the gun and shoots her in the head.  A steam of blood makes like a red river to a small drain on the floor.

Hoyt Williams: Holy shit, how are you going to explain that to the Canadian people?

Drake: Oh this isn’t the first time we’ve had to deal with little miss Lavigne.  She’s the second or third one we’ve been on.

Hoyt Williams: Really?

Drake: Yea google ‘Avril clone theory’ your mind will be blown and you can thank me later much more enjoyable than the flat earthers and at least this one is true.  

Hoyt Williams: I have something to do in the hotel room tonight!

Celine Dion: Nonsense.  No hotel for you tonight you are coming over to my home for a nice meal.  You are now a Canadian hero!!  We will unveil you as a hero on the news tomorrow and everyone in Canada will again love you.  Also remind me to clone Avril early so she can make a show in Fredericton Sunday. 

Derward Li: That’s my home providence eh!

Celine Dion: Excellent.  Hoyt, Canada will forever be in your debt.  Thank you.

Drake: Thank you Hoyt, you truly are a savior and we will be front row for your match!

Hoyt gets on his knee and high fives the cat.

Hoyt Williams: Ball game!!!   

Hoyt winks in an 80’s style happy ending kind of way.

:::THIS HAS BEEN A PRODUCTION OF THE RISP religious organization, and all parts may not be completely true unless you have faith.  Some accents may have been poory portrayed.  No airing of this outside of CWF is allowed with out the express written concent of Jesus Christ.  All rights reserved::::  

 

 



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