BEEEEEEEP!

Posted by "Beautiful" Bobby Dean

Bobby calls his old friend.

BEEEEEEEEP

“MIIIIIIIKEEEEEEEEY! Mikey, it’s me, your bestest of best friends, Bobby Dean! Remember? “Beautiful” Bobby Dean? We used to hang out all the time back before you got super famous and somehow misplaced my phone number. I was on the crapper and just happened to see that you were coming out of retirement and joining up with the fine folks of Championship Wrestling Federation. I swear, I about jizzed my pants, you know, if I was wearing pants…

“I couldn’t believe it, famous Mikey Unlikely, back in the limelight again! I downloaded your show, Pigeon Alley, but it was just 30 minutes of birds. Doing nothing. I thought, maybe it was like Happy Feet and you’d be doing voice over work, but, well, I didn’t get it. I’m glad Hulu picked it up though, if only Hulu wasn’t so freaking expensive! I can’t afford 8 bucks a month on that…”

All of a sudden there is a beeping sound followed by dial tone, as the phone call ends. Bobby looks down at his phone, confusion clear on his face, as he hits a button and replaces the phone to his ear.

“Hey Mikey, it’s me again. I think my phone dropped our call! Stupid phone. Anywho, where was I? Oh yeah, I was telling you how much I LOVE your butt cream! Seriously, I use that Prep H almost daily, the doctor says I wipe to furiously, but I wanted to tell you that I am totally available to do one of those true life testimonies if you want? I’ll even do it for free, you don’t even have to blur my face like last time, when we did that Trojan commercial we filmed back in the day. Which reminds me, you remember that one time with that one girl when your rubber broke? Did she ever have that ki...”

BEEEEEP

A growl erupts as Bobby once again hits a button and jerks the phone back to his ear.

“Michael. Bobby here. I swear, if this stupid thing drops our call again I’m going to Hulk smash! All I’m trying to say is how I’m so glad to see you coming back, maybe you can save me some tickets to the upcoming Evolution? Nothing fancy, maybe a spot in your suite box? You know, the one with the all you can eat buffet? Oh man, I’m starting to get a chub! I can’t tell if it’s because of the idea of all that food or picturing you back in the squared circle!? Uhhhhh.”

Heavy breathing followed by the familiar beep and dial tone. Grrrrr! With one final stab of the redial button Bobby is flummoxed when all of a sudden the standard voicemail has changed.

“Hey, this is Mikey Unlikely, I can’t get to the phone, obviously, or maybe I’m screening these calls and I just don’t have the time, or desire to talk to disgustingly fat, out of shape, has beens who have been riding my coattails all those years ago. So kindly fuck off.”

Bobby looks down at his phone, waiting for the beep to sound but suddenly the very polite and slightly arousing robotic voice comes on.

“Sorry, that mailbox is full. Sorry, please try again later.”

He throws his overly fleshy hands in the air in dismay, causing the fat on his arms to shake and vibrate, but then just as quickly he pulls his phone down again. His chubby fingers flying across the screen.

-------------------

Elsewhere Mikey Unlikely hears a series of tings and bings as his phone blows up with text messages. With a sigh he swipes his phone and begins to read, groaning at the familiar name that appears at the top of the chat box.

“Blobby Dean”
Box full, hehehe, just wanted to say I LUV U!

“Blobby Dean”
No hologram!

“Blobby Dean”
Stupid autocorrect!

“Blobby Dean”
Homo

“Blobby Dean”
I meant, no HOMO!!!!!

“Blobby Dean”
Wanna go eat sometime?

“Blobby Dean”
I kno this gr8 place where U eat off of bodies of naked girls… But they kick U out if U stick UR finger in places.

With a sigh, Mikey turns off his phone and simply shakes his head.
 


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