Jaiden Rishel RP Feedback

This is the forum where you give show reviews for the weekly Evolution shows as well as PPVs. You can also request feedback for a specific roleplay, graphic, segment or anything of your liking for the masses to review your work.

Moderator: MiaRayne

Post Reply
Rish
Posts: 702
Joined: Sat May 12, 2018 4:17 pm

Jaiden Rishel RP Feedback

Post by Rish » Thu Mar 14, 2019 12:23 am

So for those that don't check out the Hostility ReAwakened show, I have brought Jaiden Rishel back full time as a character there. I would absolutely love if anyone has the time to feedback either of my first three rps, especially my latest one which I really put a lot of effort into and would like to know if my idea hit home or didn't really work. Thanks for all the feedback, and don't worry about criticising my work, I appreciate it.

A Resolution To The Problem (RP 1)

Every Side of the Fence (RP 2)

Three Times A Charm? (RP 3)

TheInspector
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2019 9:29 pm

Post by TheInspector » Wed Mar 20, 2019 8:49 pm

Right, I'm gonna go all stream of consciousness with this review. Thoughts will be written as I read - please take all with a pinch of salt:

A Resolution To The Problem (RP 1)
Was the brutal, but honest response from The Blue Scorpion after him, Alex Cain, and myself have been sitting here for hours at this rusty old bar named “Hilly’s Tavern” right outside Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
This reads a bit wonky. I'd have re-structured to something like
"Myself, Alex Cain and The Blue Scorpion had been sitting here for hours at 'Hilly's Tavern', a rusty old bar right outside of Philly. And it was the latter who spoke up, questioning me in typically honest, brutal fashion."
Dialogue switches between being really natural and well-done, to seeming slightly forced and contrived. Case in point:
“Besides, there is the glaring question that I think has been an obvious one on the tips of the tongues of every fan out there ever since you announced us as ‘The Reason’ that Hostility will be destroyed before it ever gets going. Why, Jaiden? Why would you not only choose to go back to the place where you tried to cut your teeth, and failed, so many years ago. Why would you not only choose to do that, but ask Scorp and myself to go along for the ride? God knows the Rishel family and myself have a more than rocky past, especially after everything I did to Justin with the Cambria scandal the last two years.”
I couldn't imagine Cain coming out with this, and it just seemed a little 'try-hard' as you tried to crowbar some story and meaning into a seemingly ordinary situation. I know what you're aiming for - it's the same way I often try to get match talk into my RPs without a character simply cutting a wrestling promo randomly in the middle of the street - and I also know how tricky it can be. In this instance, it just doesn't seem as natural as it could be.

Match talk was enjoyable, and the prose & descriptions amongst the dialogue is spot on - descriptive without being over-the-top, and these sections paint a good picture.

Getting used to reading the shorter RPs written for the Hostility shows is difficult for me - I felt the piece as a whole left me wanting more, and the first scene in particular could've been fleshed out more, but I also appreciate the constraints of the word limit, and with this in mind, I think the first RP worked well as a tease and a lead-in for the storyline as a whole.

TheInspector
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2019 9:29 pm

Post by TheInspector » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:01 pm

Every Side Of The Fence (RP 2)
Flashbacks of Hostility’s first ReAwakened show run across the screen of a 72 inch television to stands against the wooden log wall of Jaiden Rishel’s winter camp.
'...72 inch television that stands...' - Proof read, Rishel!
“It is all about the legacy, gentleman.
'Gentlemen' - Proof read, Rishel!

That said, Jaiden's speech that follows is really nice.

Don't mind the hunting analogy, and there's some good references in there, but as with my feedback on RP 1, it feels a bit forced and contrived. As in "I turned the channel to a hunting programme - now listen to how I will make that relevant to our current situation!"

The banter and camaraderie between the three men is better and more obvious in this one compared to the first piece, and their interactions seem more like the characters I know and love. You definitely overuse 'mate' though :P

Match talk is OK, but a little rushed - again, though, I think the limitations of the 1500 word count probably had something to do with it.

TheInspector
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2019 9:29 pm

Post by TheInspector » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:16 pm

Three Times A Charm? (RP 3)

The drug-taking seems... I dunno... a bit juvenile?
“Wow, that’s some good shit.”
Hmmmm...
“You know mate, you and I do need to talk about the elephant in the room one of these days.”

“Scorpio? He’s gained a little weight lately, but I mean- calling the man an elephant is a bit of a stretch don’t ya think?”
Inspired! Loved it!

The cancer reveal... eesh... I think it's a big enough reveal that it deserves more of a build and more time afforded to it. Reading it a couple of times, it seems so rushed and everything moves so quickly that I don't think it has the impact it should do. It's almost matter-of-fact. Could you have weaved this into the story of the other two RPs too? I dunno, with the word limit its obviously difficult...

I really like the premise of the match talk and the promo in the second half of the piece, and you linked it in perfectly with your opponent that week.
“I’m sure you all have heard the news by now. Justin Rishel, known around efedding circles as J. Rish, has recently tested positive for brain cancer. My father has been through only preliminary tests, and as soon as more are done we will know the extent of the disease and how quickly we can act to remove it.”
Again, I don't like this as I can't imagine someone announcing it in this way. It seems too matter-of-fact, too clinical. Always try and read your dialogue out loud, or at least read it back to yourself in your head and think "Would I say it like that? Would it sound weird if somebody said that to me in that way?" If the answer is no to the first one / yes to the second one, then change it.

Overall, a good three-parter, with decent flow and links between the three, and an obviously growing relationship between the characters from one piece to the next. I think your main issues come from unnatural and/or contrived dialogue, and some of the limitations of the word count.

Looking forward to reading more! :)

Rish
Posts: 702
Joined: Sat May 12, 2018 4:17 pm

Post by Rish » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:18 pm

Thanks Mitch, you're absolutely right- I have struggled a ton with dialogue, in particular when Jaiden is talking to Scorpio or Cain. With the Reason switching over to Cyrus Black and Christer Lundmark they are going to be slowly faded out of the rps, but I'm not sure how natural I can make the other characters feel either. It is a little hard for me to get used to again because it has been so long that I have been primarily a match writer, secondary segment writer, and very very rarely do I write a roleplay. Now is another chance I get to, and it's definitely a work in progress. So thanks for the advice bud!

Post Reply